Responsibility In Relationships I

This should have been my first entry, but since the issue of respon­si­bil­ity is time­less this may be just as good a time as any to bring it up and clear some air about rela­tion­ships in gen­eral, and your rela­tion­ships and my writ­ing in par­tic­u­lar. So, since you are read­ing this blog I’ll make it about you. Let’s con­sider that the qual­ity of your rela­tion­ship has NOTHING to do with your part­ner and EVERYTHING to do with YOU. In other words you are the one who is 100% respon­si­ble and has the say-so how it goes for you. This, of course is not the truth, but I invite you to start act­ing as if it is and notice what mag­ick may occur.

Now, how resis­tant are you to this notion? Take a lit­tle time and think about it. Does it empower you or does it DIS­em­power you?

Before you try to answer this ques­tion a few words about respon­si­bil­ity. When I say 100% respon­si­ble we need to be on the same page, i.e. we need to agree what is meant by respon­si­bil­ity. In this con­text what I mean by respon­si­bil­ity is NOT bur­den, fault, blame, credit, shame or guilt. Respon­si­bil­ity sim­ply starts with say­ing you are cause in the mat­ter and that you are able to choose a response. You may not be able to choose what hap­pens, but you are always able to choose how you will respond to it as opposed to sim­ply auto­mat­i­cally react to an event or a sit­u­a­tion. In tak­ing such respon­si­bil­ity there is no eval­u­a­tion of good or bad, right or wrong. There is only the stand that you take and the real­ity of what is.

Being respon­si­ble starts with the will­ing­ness to deal with a sit­u­a­tion from the point of view that you are the gen­er­a­tor of who you are, what you do  (how you choose to respond) and what you have. Again, that is not the truth. It is just a place to stand.

Now, in this con­text does being respon­si­ble make you more or less in con­trol of your life? Is being respon­si­ble an empow­er­ing way to be?

Take every chance to be responsible.

Best regards,


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Money, Economy And Relationships

In the past it was com­mon for divorce rates to spike dur­ing times of finan­cial inse­cu­rity. Back in the reces­sion of 1997, the divorce rate rose close to 20%. How­ever, econ­o­mists note that dur­ing really tough times, such as the Great Depres­sion in the early 1930s, divorce rates sta­tis­ti­cally decline because peo­ple can’t afford the lux­ury of split­ting into two sep­a­rate homes, and what is also very likely is that divorce was not as com­mon and as socially accept­able as it is today.

There are sev­eral angles we can look at this prob­lem. The first one is a mat­ter of

1. Integrity

Noth­ing works with­out integrity. (You can find much more on Integrity in The Game­less Rela­tion­ship ). At one point we made cer­tain promises and dec­la­ra­tions, like “For bet­ter or for worse” and “Till death us do part”, which we con­ve­niently for­get when times get tough. We very eas­ily find a “rea­son and excuse” for break­ing our promise. We make our­selves believe that these rea­sons are real and valid when in fact the are just a plau­si­ble story which we decided was true. Exam­ples: He is not mak­ing enough money. It is not good for my child to live in these con­di­tions. Or, she does not want to get a job to help out in this crit­i­cal sit­u­a­tion. This takes us to the issue of

2. Being a victim

It is so easy to take the role of a vic­tim, just stop being respon­si­ble for any­thing. Give your power to oth­ers and declare that none of this has any­thing to do with you. Again, find­ing a good rea­son and excuse is essen­tial. If you were hon­est you would dis­cover your rea­sons and find many ways to jus­tify your actions. The plain truth is that it is eas­ier to blame oth­ers and assert your right­eous­ness than remem­ber that you’ve taken an oath.

3. Rea­son for being married.

Did you marry for a com­fort­able life, sex, to have chil­dren, because you “had to”, because it was “the thing to do”. These rea­sons some­how come up as excuses when the going gets tough and are used as excuses to walk away with­out con­sid­er­ing that YOU made an uncon­di­tional promise. In other words, when you said “I do”, you lied to every­one, and most likely, to your­self as well.

Of course there are rea­sons, such as abuse, but very few that may actu­ally jus­tify aban­don­ing mar­riage, but ask your­self if abuse started before the econ­omy took a dive and you were sell­ing out, or has it become a good rea­son to jus­tify your leav­ing when ship is sinking.

There are a few other games peo­ple play when it comes to ditch­ing a mar­riage, but these would suf­fice and you can think of oth­ers for your­self. The point I am mak­ing is that money is NEVER the real rea­son for break­ing up a mar­riage, the above rea­sons are.

So, do not pass the buck and blame money (pun intended), look inside first.

Best regards,


Rela­tion­ship Saver

Game­less Relationship

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The Meaning And Reality

The core mean­ing of the word rela­tion­ship is to “respond com­pletely to another, like respon­si­bil­ity” says Krishnamurti.

Let’s see what this really means. Respon­si­bil­ity, as I explain at length in my book The Game­less Rela­tion­ship, is abil­ity to respond and not merely to react. Also, most of the rela­tion­ships most of the time are hap­pen in reac­tion to each other. (Ref. : The Rela­tion­ship Saver.) That’s why it is so easy for a rela­tion­ship to go into a down­ward spi­ral with­out appar­ent hope of sur­vival. We now also have to dis­tin­guish response from reac­tion. To respond is by no means same as to react. Reac­tion is auto­matic, based on our thoughts and inter­pre­ta­tions when we are engaged in a rela­tion­ship. Response is based on what actu­ally hap­pens, on the real­ity of the action, and not on our inter­pre­ta­tion of what we saw or heard. In other words one responds to what is being said and not to one’s own mean­ings and inter­pre­ta­tions to what is being said. To respond appro­pri­ately to any sit­u­a­tions takes much more than tak­ing the sit­u­a­tion at the face value. First, it takes thor­ough under­stand­ing of your own think­ing process and only then the think­ing process of oth­ers. This requires thor­ough aware­ness of your actions, by being an avid observer of your­self, by being in the present moment. So, as we can see the rela­tion­ships never hap­pen in the past. So, don’t bring up the past and don’t dwell in the future, in what should and should not be. Your trans­for­ma­tion of your rela­tion­ship begins with a pro­found rela­tion­ship with what is.

This needs prac­tice, so, prac­tice, prac­tice and prac­tice and .… prac­tice now.

Best regards,


The Rela­tion­ship Saver

The Game­less­Re­la­tion­ship

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Why We Have Problems In Our Relationships?

Okay, let’s start at the begin­ning. This is old news, but we rarely get at the most basic causes of why it is so dif­fi­cult for a rela­tion­ship to work out smoothly. The most gen­eral con­clu­sion is that men and women are very dif­fer­ent. That’s why we have the “oppo­site” sex. And truly oppo­site it is. Not only are we obvi­ously dif­fer­ent bio­log­i­cally, but we have dif­fer­ent inter­ests, goals, and rea­sons for doing things in our lives. Our sur­vival strate­gies are also dif­fer­ent. Our “but­tons” get pushed for dif­fer­ent reasons.

To under­stand why this is so, we must first look at the inter­ests of our maker. And I do not mean God. I mean our genes, the very intel­li­gence that God has cre­ated you might say, that has designed us to be the way we are. Now, genes have one and only one inter­est on their “mind” and that is to repli­cate them­selves. For that pur­pose they use us humans as a tool for their repli­ca­tion. We are now talk­ing about human genetic pro­gram­ming. This pro­gram has been in oper­a­tion for hun­dreds of thou­sands of years. At this point you may ask: and what has that to do with my husband/wife leav­ing me? It may have every­thing to do with it, just bear with me for a moment.

What I am about to say may not apply fully to every woman or man, but it is way more preva­lent than you may think. Remem­ber, most of it is not done con­sciously; it is com­pletely auto­matic. We are for the most part clue­less about why we do the things we do, espe­cially the things that do not serve us or con­tribute to our hap­pi­ness and well-being. By the way, genes do not give a damn if we are happy or not as long as we repro­duce. The proof is in the pud­ding. There are more than 6,000,000,000 of us today mostly poor, hun­gry, suf­fer­ing and unhappy; dou­ble since 40 years ago.

The answer may lie in our genetic pro­gram­ming. Men can­not bear chil­dren and they need women if they want their genes to con­tinue to pros­per. They will use any strat­egy to seduce a woman and have sex with her. The more women they have sex with the bet­ter. Com­pe­ti­tion is fierce for young and healthy fer­tile women. Pow­er­ful men, men who dom­i­nate other men, and men who can rec­og­nize oppor­tu­nity quickly have more chance to repro­duce their genes. These traits are much more pro­nounced in men then in women even in areas that have appar­ently noth­ing to do with sex.

Women, on the other hand, have much more to risk if they are going to engage in sex. They do not jump at the first oppor­tu­nity they are patient. Also, they have a finite num­ber of eggs and can have only one child per year as opposed to men who pro­duces mil­lions of sperms a day and can make sev­eral chil­dren in a day (the­o­ret­i­cally). In order to see that they repro­duce as healthy genes as pos­si­ble and be secure dur­ing preg­nancy and beyond they have to care­fully choose with whom they have sex with. So women look for a man who can give them secu­rity, who will dis­play com­mit­ment to them and the fam­ily and a man who is will­ing to con­stantly invest in them mate­ri­ally, emo­tion­ally and time-wise.

As you can see the inter­ests of a man and a woman are on the oppo­site sides of the spec­trum, thus we have the oppo­site sex.

Life in the past in smaller com­mu­ni­ties was heav­ily reg­u­lated and cou­ples did not sep­a­rate as often as they do today. There are too many con­flict­ing mes­sages in today’s soci­ety which make it very dif­fi­cult to make sound con­scious choices, espe­cially when we are not aware of our instinc­tual dri­ves and how they influ­ence us.

This is by no means the com­plete pic­ture, but I am sure that you will be able to see how our thoughts, feel­ings and behav­iors are quite auto­mat­i­cally dri­ven by the dif­fer­ent ways that men and women see their best inter­est in prop­a­gat­ing their genetic mate­r­ial. Dif­fer­ent cul­tures have been try­ing to reg­u­late these auto­matic behav­iors in dif­fer­ent ways, but this is a topic for the next post. This is obvi­ously not a very new topic, although it may be for some of you. Stay tuned, have happy hol­i­days and try to under­stand and show more com­pas­sion for your part­ners. For­give them, they do not know why they are doing what deep inside they don’t want to do.

Learn com­pas­sion and understand.



The Rela­tion­ship Saver

The Game­less Relationship


Teenage Relationships

A while ago I was inter­viewed by a jour­nal­ist from South Africa by e-mail about teenage rela­tion­ships. I thought you may like it … and hope to get you inspired to com­ment or ask ques­tions. So, here it is:

Lita Fifield-Weaver wrote:
Hello again
Thank you for let­ting me ask you some ques­tions, sorry I can’t ring as I live in New Zealand.

1. What com­mon thread do you see in fail­ing relationships?

All happy fam­i­lies are alike, but an unhappy fam­ily is unhappy after its own fash­ion.“
Leo Tol­stoy (1828 — 1910)
Lack of the basic Four Prin­ci­ples that must be present in every healthy and suc­cess­ful rela­tion­ship: integrity, sense of respon­si­bil­ity, com­mit­ment and love. (To find out more about these I enclose my book The Game­less Rela­tion­ship) There are as many rea­sons as there are peo­ple as to why they are not able to keep the afore men­tioned prin­ci­ples in their lives. Rea­sons vary from imma­tu­rity to alco­holism, per­sonal beliefs acquired while grow­ing up to present life con­di­tions, get­ting together for the wrong rea­sons and abu­sive rela­tion­ships. Feel free to make up your own.
2. Is there a down­side to help­ing peo­ple with relationships?

No, if you rig­or­ously sup­port them in devel­op­ing the Four Prin­ci­ples. It hap­pens often enough, though that peo­ple real­ize that both of them would be bet­ter off if they split up. That does not mean that they have to be strangers or ene­mies. Peo­ple who do not under­stand the Four Prin­ci­ples as well as the pro­found dif­fer­ences between mas­cu­line and fem­i­nine nature should not barge into other people’s relationships.

3. What meth­ods do you use to help cou­ples or indi­vid­u­als with their relationships?

I don’t think that I am using any par­tic­u­lar method. I am a per­sonal coach. So, after hav­ing a con­ver­sa­tion with peo­ple I usu­ally very quickly get to the bot­tom of the prob­lem and some­times have to use cer­tain meth­ods to remove the bar­ri­ers to their aware­ness to what is really going on and what kind of games they play. I find that a lack of self esteem and ingrained beliefs are most com­mon cause of problems.

4. You have a daugh­ter, does she, or did she come to you for help with her relationships?

Yes, and I am proud of it. When­ever she asks for help I have to put my “coach­ing hat” on, stop being a father (which is not easy) and become a coach. So far I have suc­ceeded, and so has she.

5. Have you used your own skills to improve your relationship?

Lately, yes, but, I wish I knew 20 years ago what I know now .

6. Are there cer­tain  per­son­al­ity types which are more suited to estab­lish­ing  a long-term rela­tion­ship in life?

I don’t believe so, con­trary, I am sure, to so many astrologers, and typologists.

7. What are the advan­tages of a long term rela­tion­ship early on in life?

I don’t see any. Men are ready when they are ready and women are ready (for very dif­fer­ent rea­sons) when they are. It is impor­tant that per­son is mature and will­ing. For some peo­ple it hap­pens at 16 and for some never.

8. Is it more com­mon that in some cul­tures peo­ple get mar­ried when they are older rather than younger?

It looks like that peo­ple in the West get in long term rela­tion­ships later in life. Fam­ily bonds and fam­ily sup­port in the West are much weaker, so peo­ple have to rely more on their own per­sonal strength to sus­tain a healthy rela­tion­ship, and that comes only with a cer­tain level of maturity.

9. What do you believe is your biggest suc­cess in life? Why?

I stopped smok­ing in 1983 after 20 years of smok­ing 3 packs a day. To beat addic­tion of any kind is the biggest suc­cess that one can have, in my opinion.

10. Is there any advice your regret giv­ing some­one? Why?

I do not regret any because, luck­ily, peo­ple never lis­tened to my bad advice. I am much bet­ter at it nowadays.

11. You want your clients to be at their best at al times,

Every­body is ALWAYS at their best. That is the law of real­ity. Peo­ple would always do bet­ter if they could. So they are always per­fect exactly the way they are and exactly the way they are not, NOW. (Please see The Game­less Rela­tion­ship chap­ter on Love)

12. But how do you man­i­fest your best?

You always do. The ques­tion is who you are going to be NEXT?

13. Have you dealt with arranged marriages/relationships in your trav­el­ling to Kuwait, Yugoslavia  and the United States, what bar­ri­ers did you have to over come in these circumstances?

In many cases, espe­cially in tribal and closed soci­eties arranged mar­riages work well. If they don’t, the peo­ple who had arranged the mar­riages did not see the pos­si­ble pit­falls. In a fast chang­ing world as it is today it is very dif­fi­cult to pre­dict the cir­cum­stances which may influ­ence peo­ple to change.

14. What are you opin­ions on teenage relationships?

It is only nat­ural that teenagers will form rela­tion­ships. It is a parental duty to edu­cate their teenagers. This is mostly done by the exam­ple of their rela­tion­ship with each other and their fam­ily mem­bers, strangers, and most impor­tantly by hav­ing a great rela­tion­ship with their chil­dren from day one. If they leave it until the time the chil­dren become teenagers, it is more often than not too late. The prob­lem is that the knowl­edge that the par­ents have about rela­tion­ships is what they’ve learned from THEIR par­ents which may not be very help­ful two gen­er­a­tions later.

15. Do you believe that teen rela­tion­ships are a dis­trac­tion? Why/why not?

Dis­trac­tion from what? School, maybe, life, no.

16. What is a healthy relationship?

We usu­ally know when we see one: peo­ple are happy, free, fully self expressed, ful­filled, love is present, etc. In other words they have the Four Prin­ci­ples as a part of their life, although they may even not know it if you ask them about it.

17. Look­ing back now, would you change any­thing about your life?

No, life is per­fect exactly as it is and it is per­fect exactly as it is not.

The Rela­tion­ship Saver

The Game­less Relationship

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Do You Act Or React?

React­ing means to act again, re–act. React­ing is based on what we already know and often so well that we do it auto­mat­i­cally. Some reac­tions are very use­ful for our sur­vival, like pulling our hand back from a hot fur­nace or jump­ing away from an oncom­ing car. In other words when our bod­ies sense dan­ger we react with­out think­ing. This kind of reac­tion is all very well in emer­gency sit­u­a­tions, but the part­ner in our rela­tion­ship may end the rela­tion­ship very quickly with­out our even being aware that our reac­tions are auto­matic and counter to our best inter­est. So, what is the mech­a­nism of reac­tion? If we can be become acutely aware of this mech­a­nism when­ever we are in a sit­u­a­tion to react, or in other words, when our but­tons are being pushed, our rela­tion­ships and our lives may look com­pletely dif­fer­ent; we could be much more evenly bal­anced, avoid prob­lems and expe­ri­ence a much higher degree of hap­pi­ness. React­ing is a very use­ful sur­vival tool, it is based on learn­ing from experience.

Some expe­ri­ences are use­ful to remem­ber and remem­ber­ing them at the right moment can save our behind. The prob­lem arises when we react to the present sit­u­a­tion which is SIMILAR to the past ones. For instance, you were bit­ten by a snake once and now you are afraid of every­thing that crawls, like lizards and such. An exam­ple closer to rela­tion­ships would be that if you had an abu­sive father, now you think ALL men are abu­sive. Another exam­ple would be that your par­ents always told you what to do and now you get angry and resis­tant to ANYONE even ask­ing you to  do some­thing. If you thought that your par­ents did not love you, you will think that any­one who expresses their love to you is phony and lying or not hon­est. In these sit­u­a­tions you often tend to blame oth­ers for “mak­ing you feel that way” or “mak­ing you do cer­tain things”. So, you get the idea; cer­tain words and behav­iors by oth­ers push your but­tons or trig­ger mem­o­ries of the past and you are sim­ply RE-acting your past. You have no choice and no free will in the mat­ter. You can now begin to see how this auto­matic behav­ior can be detri­men­tal to your rela­tion­ship. But all is not lost. You actu­ally can take respon­si­bil­ity for your but­tons; they are yours after all and if you didn’t have them nobody would have any­thing to push.

This brings us to the alter­na­tive. Being respon­si­ble for your actions means that you are able to respond, thus response—able. What does this actu­ally mean, and more impor­tantly, how do you be response—able? For most peo­ple respon­si­bil­ity is bur­den, fault, blame, credit, shame or guilt. I sug­gest that if you take respon­si­bil­ity as will­ing­ness to deal with the sit­u­a­tion from the point of view that you are the one who has a choice about how you are going to act in a cer­tain sit­u­a­tion, you are going to gain power beyond your wildest imag­i­na­tion. Some­one said there is a moment between any stim­u­lus and a response and the choices that you make inside that win­dow of oppor­tu­nity is what your life depends on.  As you can see, respon­si­bil­ity is a mat­ter of free choice; it is an exer­cise in free will. Respond­ing is not sub­ject to your feel­ings or cog­ni­tion. It is inten­tional choice in accor­dance with your val­ues, ethics and morals and not some fleet­ing feel­ing, asso­ci­a­tion or thought. These belong in the cat­e­gory of reac­tions so it fol­lows that auto­matic reac­tions are irre­spon­si­ble actions. Now it becomes obvi­ous that no one can make you feel or do any­thing, ever. I do under­stand though that every action has its con­se­quences, but you are ulti­mately the one who will make the choice about what con­se­quences your actions will have.

Now that we have dis­tin­guished react­ing and respond­ing, I hope you can see that tak­ing respon­si­bil­ity for any­thing and every­thing that hap­pens to you in your life, no mat­ter how unrea­son­able it may be, will make you more con­tent, pow­er­ful, suc­cess­ful and ulti­mately hap­pier than merely react­ing to what hap­pens to you.
Take charge of your life: be responsible.


The Rela­tion­ship Saver

The Game­less Relationship

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To Be Or Not To Be … Attractive?

Am I attrac­tive? The bot­tom line truth is: you are and you are not. It depends on to whom you are talk­ing and what you mean by attrac­tive. Why do we play this “attrac­tive” game when we don’t know what we want to achieve by try­ing so hard to be attrac­tive? When you make your­self attrac­tive do you want to attract every­one or most peo­ple, or just one par­tic­u­lar per­son? Many would say some­thing like: “I am doing it for myself. I don’t care what oth­ers think. It makes me feel good.” Fair enough, it makes you feel good. But the rest of it is a lie and you know it. Thus, mil­lions of dol­lars and other cur­ren­cies are spent on mak­ing our­selves more and more attrac­tive in order to attract our soul mates, to boost our ego when oth­ers give us com­pli­ments, etc. So, by attrac­tive, we usu­ally mean sex­u­ally attrac­tive, or some­thing to do with looks any­way. Being attrac­tive to peo­ple we have never met is impor­tant for the first con­tact and with­out the first con­tact we can­not have the rest. This ratio­nale is a sound one. Unfor­tu­nately being attrac­tive in such a way is often false adver­tis­ing and although it may lead to an inter­est­ing sex­ual encounter, it more often than not results in unsuc­cess­ful long-term relationships.

Men like to look and women like to be looked at. Deep inside, instinc­tively and uncon­sciously, men look for fer­til­ity signs in women. Men can­not have chil­dren; only women can, so it is of the utmost impor­tance for a man to find a woman who will bear him many healthy chil­dren. Although these fer­til­ity signs may vary from cul­ture to cul­ture and change with time, men nev­er­the­less always look for sex­ual attrac­tion in a woman. Of course, women are always aware of it so they do their best to com­ply and be “attrac­tive” by being slim­mer, hav­ing par­tic­u­lar hair­dos, make-up and clothes; all in tune with the fash­ion of the day. Some of you may not quite agree with this, but that’s how we are pro­grammed and tens of thou­sands of years of pro­gram­ming do not go away so quickly. Think of the time when you were a teenager, when you stepped into adult­hood, when you actu­ally became fer­tile, able to have chil­dren. What were you mostly pre­oc­cu­pied with? Eng­lish lit­er­a­ture? Maybe. But you were mostly inter­ested in things of a roman­tic nature.

On the other hand, what women want from men is mostly secu­rity and pro­tec­tion. For women, attrac­tive men are the ones who are well off, in good health, strong and able to com­mit to long-term rela­tion­ships. So, men drive fancy and expen­sive cars to show their wealth, are suc­cess­ful in busi­ness to show their sta­tus and abil­ity to pro­vide secu­rity and for the same rea­son, go to a gym so that they can be phys­i­cally “attrac­tive” to women.

In a nut­shell, this is the attrac­tion game we play. Does it make sense in the 21st cen­tury, in the west­ern world where there are no saber-tooth tigers to prey on our women and chil­dren and the mor­tal­ity rate is min­i­mal? Of course it doesn’t when you stop and think about it. So what do we do? It depends on what we want. Do we let our­selves act from fear and the out­dated instinct for sur­vival, or are we will­ing to move up the evo­lu­tion­ary lad­der and act from the knowl­edge that all is well? When our instincts were impor­tant we lived in caves or in tribal soci­eties and with­out the appro­pri­ate resources to meet our basic needs so, often we were dri­ven to the brink of extinc­tion. Not so today, despite what the media are telling you. The media want you to be afraid because it serves this con­sumer soci­ety very well … but that is a dif­fer­ent topic. The fact is that there are no saber-tooth tigers any more, but we still behave as if they are around every cor­ner. The divorce rate in this coun­try is more than 50% which means that one in two mar­ried cou­ples even­tu­ally break up. What about all those other rela­tion­ships? How many of them are happy ones? Maybe we should look a lit­tle closer at the way we attract our part­ners and what it is that we are attracted to. Is it falling in love, or hav­ing great sex, or being cool or hot that will bring you a long last­ing rela­tion­ship? What hap­pens when you fall out of love, or are not cool any more because you’ve grown heav­ier? What if he loses his pres­ti­gious posi­tion or his car gets stolen and can­not be replaced? “For bet­ter or worse, for richer or poorer.” Yes, sure. The first thought is often: “I am out of here!”

Ulti­mately, it’s good to know that you can nei­ther BE attrac­tive, nor unat­trac­tive. Attrac­tive­ness is in the eye of the beholder. Some­one may or may not be attracted to you and that deci­sion lies in the mind of that per­son. It is not in the intrin­sic you. So, first you need to decide what it is that you want to adver­tise and who your tar­get mar­ket is. Then, what it is that you are sell­ing, and who you want to attract. All this may sound a lit­tle crude, but that is exactly how it works. Do you want to have sex, or do you want to sell your per­son­al­ity, or your real and authen­tic self? You know what they say about how you look or behave “in the morn­ing when you wake up”? If he loves you then he’ll always love you. If she still loves you when you lose your Porsche, or become poor, there is a big chance she will stay with you.

So, on the one hand you can never be attrac­tive enough for some and you will always be very attrac­tive for some­one else. Am I attract­ing the right peo­ple for the right rea­sons is prob­a­bly the ques­tion you may want to ask before you go to a party.

See you there.


The Rela­tion­ship Saver

The Game­less Relationship


Save Relationships By Giving Up

wave-goodbyeIn our cul­ture to give up means to sur­ren­der your hope, to stop pur­su­ing your dream to stop doing what you want to do due to obsta­cles and so on. In other words “giv­ing up” has a neg­a­tive con­no­ta­tion which some­how defines our char­ac­ter as weak, not trust­wor­thy, unre­li­able etc. In the con­text of giv­ing up what we want to do, what we promised, or what is expected of us to do in order to pre­serve our integrity (see “ON INTEGRITY”), to give up does not obvi­ously serve us. What I would like to draw your atten­tion to is a dif­fer­ent con­text in which “giv­ing up” may be very ben­e­fi­cial to our san­ity, good rela­tion­ships, and the rate of our growth as human beings.

You’ve prob­a­bly already guessed: giv­ing up what does not serve us indeed may be ben­e­fi­cial to the hap­pi­ness we expe­ri­ence in our lives. The ques­tion is how do we know what to give up. If it is so obvi­ous that I am repeat­edly doing what does not make me, or oth­ers around me happy, how come that I still keep doing those things that I “know” do not work. Let me sug­gest that that you may very well NOT know that what you keep doing does not work. It is very hard to see. For exam­ple think about your insis­tence of being right, or jus­ti­fy­ing your actions although you know that you made a mis­take. Surely you gain some­thing by:

•    Being right /making oth­ers wrong
•    Jus­ti­fy­ing your­self / inval­i­dat­ing oth­ers
•    Dom­i­nat­ing oth­ers / avoid being dom­i­nated
•    Avoid tak­ing respon­si­bil­ity for some­thing
•    Avoid being at risks (I do not mean a saber-tooth tiger, but some­thing like a conversation)

This is what we call a “pay-off”.

Now I want to think about what your pay of costs you. Let me sug­gest. How about:

•    Love / inti­macy
•    Health / vital­ity
•    Your self-expression
•    Your rela­tion­ship
•    Your participation

Are you will­ing to pay the price of the COST in order to get your PAY-OFF?

Giv­ing up your pay-offs in order to avoid the cost is “good” and use­ful as you might have noticed, but you may ask, how do I do it. The key is to be aware of what comes out of your mouth. Observe your­self, observe the oth­ers and how they react to you and observe, like a fly on the wall, your­self and oth­ers being in con­ver­sa­tion. What do you see? This is the time to be bru­tally hon­est with your­self. Be care­ful, though, do not cross the limit and start blam­ing your­self and mak­ing your­self “wrong” and being at the same time “right” about it. No one can fool us as we can fool our­selves. We are sim­ply mas­ters at it.

If there is un UPSET, FRUSTRATION, or FAMILIARITY in your actions then you can be cer­tain that you are about to, or that you re get­ting your pay-off. Give it up!

•    Exam­ples of what to give up:
•    Com­plain­ing about some­thing to a per­son who can­not do any­thing about it.
•    Gos­sip­ing, i.e. talk­ing about some­one who is not present.
•    Resis­tance to apol­o­giz­ing
•    Giv­ing rea­sons and excuses
•    Being dom­i­nated by your promises, etc.

Please share with us your insights. Since this is some­times so hard to see, your sto­ries may be a big con­tri­bu­tion to others.

Thank you


The Rela­tion­ship Saver

The Game­less Relationship

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Love In Relationships

After buy­ing and read­ing the Rela­tion­ship Saver, some peo­ple ask for coach­ing. One of the most fre­quent rea­sons they men­tion for their part­ner leav­ing them is either they say their part­ner does not love them, or is not in love with them any more. These two may sound very sim­i­lar and peo­ple may eas­ily con­fuse the two, but dis­tin­guish­ing them is cru­cial for under­stand­ing what is really going on.

Being in love or falling in love is a tem­po­rary affair. It never lasts for very long. Peo­ple inevitably fall out of love. Lust is very often con­fused with being in love. Both have the same pri­mal pur­pose of mak­ing babies. One can either trans­form that feel­ing into the action of lov­ing some­one or not. In the lat­ter case peo­ple often leave.

To love some­one is a con­scious choice. It is not a feel­ing – it is a doing; an action of lov­ing. Lov­ing some­one is to love as opposed to be in love.

Also, there are dif­fer­ent ways to love some­one or some­thing. You can love con­di­tion­ally or uncon­di­tion­ally. Most peo­ple love some­one or some­thing because of some­thing. Think about what it is that you love about your part­ner. Is that why you love him/her? We love our part­ners because they are good look­ing, well off, funny, have long hair, smart, edu­cated, strong, for­giv­ing, obe­di­ent etc., take your pick. The prob­lem with this kind of love is that when the rea­son dis­ap­pears or changes you will say: I don’t love you any more. And, I am out of here or, I’ll stick around, but I will not be happy and you will know it.

Now the most reward­ing, free­ing, lib­er­at­ing, ful­fill­ing and reward­ing kind of love is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. I under­stand that it is much eas­ier for a mother to give uncon­di­tional love to her child. Most moth­ers are uncon­di­tion­ally pro­grammed to love their chil­dren unconditionally.

What does it mean to love with­out con­di­tions attached? It means accept­ing the other exactly the way they are and exactly the way they are not. Think­ing that peo­ple, or the world, or life should some­how be some­thing else and blame them for not being the way you think they should be, that they are not cre­ated in your image of them bor­ders with insan­ity. 

So the first step is accep­tance of your part­ner for what she/he is, NOW. It is impor­tant to under­stand that fight­ing what is, is point­less. It is what it is and at that moment can­not be any­thing different.

So, get with the pro­gram; imple­ment the sec­ond step towards an uncon­di­tional love and GIVE UP your fan­tasies about how things or peo­ple should be.

At this point you may start argu­ing with me that it is impos­si­ble, unre­al­is­tic, that you do not know how to do that, why should you do it when he/she _____________ (fill in the blank).

First, hav­ing the uncon­di­tional love in your life is totally your choice. No con­di­tions on that one either. I am sure that you can find many rea­sons for not being able, or not want­ing to do it. It is, as usual, up to you. Uncon­di­tional Love is avail­able to you for the tak­ing (read: express­ing). If you want to be pow­er­ful in life, love uncon­di­tion­ally. Be free and loved, happy and inde­pen­dent. You do not need any­one to love you. Love lives inside of you ready and wait­ing and want­ing to be unleashed. Are you afraid? Fine, love anyway.


The Rela­tion­ship Saver


Relationship Repair

How does one go about repair­ing a rela­tion­ship? We know how to repair other “things”, like cars, equip­ment, house, clothes and what­not. The ques­tion arises as far as rela­tion­ship repair is con­cerned, is a rela­tion­ship a “thing”? As I men­tioned in my pre­vi­ous posts, rela­tion­ship, although a noun, should not be treated as a thing but as a verb, or as an action, if we want to have any hope in our quest for rela­tion­ship repair.

So, in this con­text we will treat rela­tion­ship repair as an action since it is a verb. Action, on whose part? Who takes the action and what would the action con­sist of?

From our point of view, if only our part­ner would change his or her ways every­thing would be just fine “as before” and rela­tion­ship repair would be com­plete. Unfor­tu­nately, that is only our “point of view”. The prob­lem with our point of view is that from that point we see all other points but our own. We are blind to it, because we have so much invested in it that we take it for granted that it is as real as it can get. Our point of view is the only real­ity we are aware of. Our rela­tion­ship and our part­ner occur to us a cer­tain way, which is only real to us, and is the only real­ity we accept. Any other point of view when dif­fer­ent from ours, is sim­ply not cor­rect, not true and WRONG. There­fore, in our attempt to repair a rela­tion­ship we always look to the other side to change his/her behav­ior and their point of view to coin­cide with our own and to take this cru­cial action that would make every­thing OK so that rela­tion­ship repair can take place. Although repair­ing a rela­tion­ship may be much eas­ier that way, it rarely works and we know it. Try­ing to change oth­ers is a fruit­less endeavor for the same rea­son I men­tioned before: “oth­ers” have their own “point of view” and if you think that the way you see the sit­u­a­tion occurs bet­ter to them then their own view, think again. You can­not change other peo­ple! The sooner you accept it the sooner you will be able to pro­ceed to a rela­tion­ship repair stage.

As we are look­ing for the alter­na­tive to chang­ing oth­ers it would be good to notice that what we call “relat­ing to oth­ers” usu­ally con­sists of react­ing to each other. If that is so and if you can­not change your part­ner what is left to do is that you change your point of view. The first step is admit­ting that you have one. Whether you think that your world-view, your opin­ion of how things are and your point of view are the cor­rect ones or not is beside the point. If you want to engage into the process of rela­tion­ship repair you must look at your own behav­ior, which is usu­ally in your blind spot – you do not know how you occur to oth­ers – and real­ize that your part­ner is react­ing to your behav­ior there­fore cre­at­ing the con­flict and dis­rup­tion of your rela­tion­ship. Take note, this is not an oppor­tu­nity to blame your­self or start think­ing that it is all your fault. There is no blame in this process only respon­si­bil­ity to claim, which is the first step to true empow­er­ment and an oppor­tu­nity to take the sit­u­a­tion into your own hands towards com­plete rela­tion­ship repair. If you change your behav­ior, your part­ner shall react to that. Now you are in charge. Good luck.

The whole process is dealt with in The Rela­tion­ship Saver and expanded upon in The Game­less Relationship.

Com­ments and ques­tions are welcomed.

Thank you


The Rela­tion­ship Saver

The Game­less Relationship

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Relationship Help

After deal­ing with thou­sands of peo­ple and their rela­tion­ships, it became very obvi­ous to me that the peo­ple who are look­ing for rela­tion­ship help usu­ally seek it after they have exhausted all the knowl­edge and tricks they them­selves had up their sleeve. By the time they start look­ing for rela­tion­ship help, it is often, if not too late, then at least more dif­fi­cult to get the rela­tion­ship help that would work than if they had started look­ing at the first signs of trouble.

So, what are the sources that peo­ple look for when they need rela­tion­ship help? As I men­tioned above, they first try to do what­ever they think would work. Unfor­tu­nately, solu­tions to a prob­lem can­not be found in the mind of the per­son who cre­ated the prob­lem in the first place, to para­phrase Albert Ein­stein. Rela­tion­ship help almost always must come from the out­side. At this point it must be said that not all that is intended to be “rela­tion­ship help” is actu­ally help­ful. The rule of the thumb is that the closer the per­son is to the trou­bled par­tic­i­pants in a rela­tion­ship, the less mean­ing­ful help they can offer. Our logic will tell us that the “closer the per­son is to me, like friends and fam­ily, the more they care about me and the bet­ter advice they will give me.” Not so. Rela­tion­ship help may eas­ily turn to rela­tion­ship hell when all the emo­tions of the peo­ple who care about you con­verge with your own. Rela­tion­ship help can come only from an unat­tached indi­vid­ual who has no stake in the rela­tion­ship one way or another.

Rela­tion­ship help is best pro­vided by peo­ple who can see the sit­u­a­tion clearly and who are neu­tral so that they can read between the lines and uncover the blind spots, thus cre­at­ing a dif­fer­ent con­text from which a dif­fer­ent point of view of the sit­u­a­tion can emerge. Rela­tion­ship help is also best pro­vided by pro­fes­sion­als in the field and often by older, wise peo­ple. The range of pro­fes­sion­als who offer rela­tion­ship help is vast. It ranges from social work­ers, doc­tors, psy­chol­o­gists, psy­chi­a­trists, coun­selors and coaches. Which one is best for you depends what state you are in. If you suf­fer from severe depres­sion or a men­tal dis­or­der, then doc­tors, psy­chol­o­gists and even psy­chi­a­trists may be for you. If you have a rel­a­tively small prob­lem and you are men­tally healthy, then a social worker or a coach may be your answer. Also, it is a good idea to con­sult a social worker first if you sus­pect a men­tal dis­or­der. From the feed­back I receive, rela­tion­ship help does not seem to be very fruit­ful if it comes from mar­riage coun­selors. This is not about coun­selors; the sys­tem is set up that way. It seems to be out­dated for most sit­u­a­tions. It pre­sumes that both part­ners want to get rela­tion­ship help when, in fact, many cou­ples go to coun­selors together just because one part­ner wants help with their rela­tion­ship but other is resist­ing it. In other words, one per­son wants to stay in and other one wants out.

I find, that at this stage a good coach often rec­og­nizes that the only per­son who can make a dif­fer­ence in a rela­tion­ship is the one who wants to keep it, the one who seeks help. There­fore, why bother with a destruc­tive party at all. Focus on and give rela­tion­ship help to a per­son who is com­mit­ted to the rela­tion­ship, the premise here being that a) peo­ple REACT to each other and b) no one can change any­one else with­out their consent.

So, if you want to keep the rela­tion­ship, you first need to see your rela­tion­ship in another con­text by hav­ing insights about what your part was in the rela­tion­ship break­down. Once you see that, the point of view about your rela­tion­ship changes and your behav­ior con­se­quently changes. When your behav­ior changes, your part­ner will react to THAT changed behav­ior and, voila, things turn around and a new rela­tion­ship is cre­ated. There­fore, if you think you may need help with your rela­tion­ship do not waste time try­ing to fix it your­self because if you knew how, your rela­tion­ship would not be where it is now.

I sug­gest you check out The Rela­tion­ship Saver first ( . It may be just all you need to get help with your rela­tion­ship. In case your rela­tion­ship is “just fine, thank you”, you still may want to read The Game­less Rela­tion­ship ( if you want to have an awe­some one

Good luck!


The Rela­tion­ship Saver

The Game­less Relationship

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Relationship Test

Please answer

the fol­low­ing questions

as truth­fully as possible.

1.    How is your rela­tion­ship? If you auto­mat­i­cally answered “just fine”, think again.
2.    Is your rela­tion­ship as good as when you first met? Has your part­ner grown more fond of you or less? (More)
3.    Do you often acknowl­edge each other? (Yes)
4.    Do you often find your­self think­ing about the past? (No)
5.    Do you some­times com­plain about your part­ner to your fam­ily and/or friends? (No)
6.    Are you happy and if you are, do you show it? (Yes)
7.    Are you resigned? (No)
8.    Do you need him/her? (No)
9.    Are you try­ing to change your part­ner, or keep him/her as he/she “used to be”?  (No)
10.   Do you think that your rela­tion­ship would be bet­ter if only he/she would change? (No)
11.    Do you often talk about your rela­tion­ship with your part­ner? (No)
12.    Do you try to do cer­tain things to improve or fix your rela­tion­ship time and again despite the fact that it never works? (No)
13.    Do you always know what your part­ner is up to? (Yes)
14.    Does he/she keep secrets from you? (No)
15.    Do you often get blamed? (No)
16.    Do you often blame or make your part­ner wrong? (No)
17.    Do you often feel the need to jus­tify your­self and your actions? (No)
18.    Does your part­ner often jus­ti­fies his/her actions to you? (No)
19.    Do you take plea­sure in being right? (No)
20.   Do you know if he/she really loves you? In other words, are you accepted and loved for who you are … and not for what you do, know or have, or how you look? (Yes)
21.    Do you have a happy rela­tion­ship? (Yes)
22.    Could you use some help to make your rela­tion­ship really great? (No)

If one of your answers above does not match the ones in paren­the­ses
you may want to try The Rela­tion­ship Saver or The Game­less Relationship


Integrity In Relationships

Here is the theme and the state­ment of the day:  In order for any rela­tion­ship to work and have any last­ing prospect of exis­tence what it must have first and fore­most is INTEGRITY.

So, what is this thing we call integrity? We use the word usu­ally in rela­tion­ship with oth­ers, like politi­cians, busi­ness peo­ple, and such. We can say when ‘those peo­ple’ have no integrity. How often do we think about and con­sider our own integrity? Do we know when we are in integrity and when we are not?

In the con­text of who we are in our rela­tion­ships there are at least three lev­els of integrity to consider:

1. Obey the rules. This means the rules that you implic­itly or explic­itly agreed to keep. Like from “always wipe your shoes before you enter the house” and “ you stop at the stop sign” to “we do not call each other names” and every­thing you can pos­si­bly think of in between.
2. Keep your word. This means keep­ing your promises and hon­or­ing your word as you would honor your­self as well as hon­or­ing what oth­ers expect you to do and doing what you know that you should do even if you did not say you would do it. (Well, you may want to read this one again.)
3. Be con­sis­tent with who you say you are or who you want oth­ers to regard you to be. If you are a spouse, be a good one and the one you are expected to be. Peo­ple expect you to be cer­tain way and do, or not do cer­tainn things. It is a mat­ter of integrity to meet their expectations.

With­out integrity NOTHING works. The mean­ing of the word ‘integrity’ is ‘whole and com­plete.’ If it is out of integrity it means it is dis-integrated, there­fore it can­not work. So what has this got to do with us? You may even say if we dis­in­te­grate we die. Well, not so dras­tic, any­way. Our body is intact but our char­ac­ter and who we are per­ceived to be, there­fore our suc­cess in any under­tak­ing includ­ing rela­tion­ships is at stake. I hope you get the point.

Aware­ness exer­cise: Pay atten­tion to:
–How often you break rules even if no one notices it.
–How often you break your promises no mat­ter how small on insignif­i­cant they are.
–How often you are not at your best in any role you assigned your­self to be.
–How often you do not ful­fill another’s expec­ta­tions.
Try to be 100% (and no less) in integrity for any amount of time. Notice if any­thing changes.

Please share your expe­ri­ances with us.
Also, please feel fre to ask any ques­tions as well.

Thank you


The Rela­tion­ship Saver

The Game­less Relationship



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