Are You In An Abusive Marriage?

Are You In An Abu­sive Mar­riage?
Copy­right © 2007 Cathi Adams
Divorce Secrets

If a woman is not phys­i­cally or sex­u­ally abused by her hus­band,
peo­ple gen­er­ally con­clude there is no abuse. But women should
give this ques­tion more seri­ous thought. Abuse need not be
ver­bal, phys­i­cal or sex­ual. These types of abuse are suf­fi­cient
grounds to head straight for the divorce courts because a
phys­i­cally or sex­u­ally abu­sive part­ner needs pro­fes­sional help.

Abuse is a dan­ger­ous ele­ment in a mar­riage. Some­times, divorce is
the only solu­tion because a woman who is con­sis­tently abused will
have noth­ing left of her soul. Her self-esteem dis­ap­pears and she
will begin to think that she deserves nei­ther respect nor love
from her hus­band. She will uncon­sciously heap the blame on
her­self for the unhappy mar­riage. Men who con­sciously or
uncon­sciously ver­bally abuse their wives are not aware of the
con­se­quences of their deeds. Some­times ver­bal abuse can be worse
than phys­i­cal abuse.

There is, how­ever, another kind of abuse that can occur in a
mar­riage and is often ignored because no phys­i­cal harm is
involved. We’re refer­ring to eco­nomic abuse or more com­monly
known as eco­nomic dom­i­na­tion. This type of abuse is rarely
dis­cussed in ther­apy cir­cles because it takes a back seat to
phys­i­cal, ver­bal or sex­ual abuse.

Suf­fice it to say that eco­nomic dom­i­na­tion can be just as
emo­tion­ally dev­as­tat­ing to a woman. Imag­ine a once vibrant woman
who, when sin­gle, had a good cor­po­rate job, earned an excel­lent
salary and had the respect of her col­leagues at work. One day she
meets the man of her dreams and falls in love. They get mar­ried,
but lit­tle does she know that he wants her to stay home and be a
full time home­maker. She becomes preg­nant even if she isn’t
ready to be a mother. Deep down, she feels that she is hap­pi­est
when pur­su­ing her career.

How is a woman like her who thrives in an intel­lec­tual milieu
going to fare when faced with eco­nomic dom­i­na­tion by her

Eco­nomic abuse in a mar­riage is evi­dent in these circumstances:

* telling his wife to quit her job so she can stay home and take
care of the kids,

* con­fis­cat­ing his wife’s assets and other finan­cial resources
and for­bid­ding her from han­dling money or incur­ring expenses that
he does not allow,

* using his wife’s finan­cial assets to his advan­tage and
depriv­ing her of her rights to enjoy what is finan­cially and
right­fully hers,

* tak­ing away his wife’s credit cards and pro­vid­ing only a
suf­fi­cient amount of money to pay for the day-to-day.

A vari­a­tion of this eco­nomic abuse is also appar­ent in a
rela­tion­ship where the hus­band allows his wife to work, but
regains con­trol of her pay check and does not give her the
oppor­tu­nity to make any finan­cial deci­sions. We once knew a woman
at work who made good money and who man­aged to rise up the ranks
because she was hard­work­ing and knew how to make her­self
indis­pens­able to the com­pany. She never joined her co-workers for
lunch out­ings or shop­ping sprees because she didn’t have a
sin­gle cent on her. We asked her once why she never had any money
on her when every­one else was envi­ous of her salary.

Her answer: “My hus­band con­trols the purse strings. I don’t know
what he does with my pay check. I dare not ask.”

Are you in a mar­riage where you suf­fer from eco­nomic abuse?

© 2007 Cathi Adams.

Cathi Adams is the author of “Divorce Secrets: What Every Women
Should Know.” This invalu­able resource pro­vides steps to ensure
finan­cial secu­rity to woman faced with the pos­si­bil­ity of
divorce. Visit her web site for a FREE report –What You
Absolutely Must Know Before You Even THINK About Get­ting
A Divorce:

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How impor­tant sex is in a rela­tion­ship? It is as impor­tant as it is for each indi­vid­ual in a rela­tion­ship. Gen­er­ally speak­ing it is more impor­tant for a man than for a woman and it is more impor­tant when one is young then when one gets older. Of course, these are just gen­er­al­iza­tions. It depends on the cir­cum­stances and on one’s state of being.

Hav­ing said that, I would like to bring forth the impor­tance of sex and its over­whelm­ing influ­ence in our lives. The sex­ual impulse is one of the most over­whelm­ing forces we can expe­ri­ence. (Just think of an orgasm. We often say that some­thing is almost as good as orgasm, imply­ing that there is noth­ing bet­ter that can hap­pen to us.) The drive to pro­cre­ate seems to be a phys­i­cal expres­sion of the evo­lu­tion­ary impulse behind this entire uni­verse. What could be more pow­er­ful than that?  Humans are con­scious beings, prob­a­bly the only ones on this planet. Con­scious­ness is the universe’s way of becom­ing aware of itself and it is man­i­fested in humans.  A pow­er­ful sex­ual drive is a guar­an­tee that con­scious­ness will live on and evolve. There­fore, it had bet­ter be THE most pow­er­ful force at least among humans.  Andrew Cohen the edi­tor of Enlighten­Next mag­a­zine said: “When any of us feels the stir­ring of the sex­ual impulse within our own body and mind, we are feel­ing, at a bio­log­i­cal level some cre­ative surge that pro­pelled some­thing from noth­ing four­teen bil­lion years ago. But, of course, in our lack of humil­ity, too many of us under­es­ti­mate the power of what we’re actu­ally deal­ing with, and it’s easy to see why we often lose our bal­ance in this arena.” In other words, the force of a sex­ual impulse is so strong that an attempt to con­trol it is almost always futile, or it takes such a rig­or­ous train­ing to con­trol it that only a few ever take it on, mostly encour­aged and moti­vated by pos­si­ble achieve­ment of higher stages of con­scious­ness or even enlight­en­ment; the most com­monly known prac­ti­tion­ers being celi­bate priests, nuns and tantric yogis.

Real­iza­tion and acknowl­edg­ment of the enor­mous power of sex­ual impulse over our lives is the first and prob­a­bly the most impor­tant step towards under­stand­ing how and why our rela­tion­ships func­tion. Since sex­ual drive of such enor­mous power is pro­grammed into our genetic code we are mostly unaware of it and so our behav­iors that stem from those impulses are not under our con­trol at all. We oper­ate like robots, on auto­matic. Not that there is any­thing wrong with that; I am not propos­ing that you attempt to get rid of sex­ual desires. On the con­trary, I would encour­age the full expres­sion of them. The prob­lem arises when MOST of our behav­ior in a rela­tion­ship stems from our sex­ual drive unbe­knownst to us, which leaves us in total con­fu­sion when things go wrong.

Some exam­ples of obvi­ous sex­ual influ­ences in our lives are behav­iors stem­ming from courtship, flirt­ing and jeal­ousy. Being fash­ion­able and the desire to “look good” are some behav­iors that are not so obvi­ously sex­u­ally related. Some peo­ple will ratio­nal­ize their desire to be fash­ion­able by say­ing that they feel more com­fort­able or “good” by wear­ing the attrac­tive clothes when the real inten­tion is to be attrac­tive to the oppo­site sex. For men, to be rich and pow­er­ful has its basis in sex­ual attrac­tion.  For women, it means being attrac­tive. I do not want to sound Freudian but almost all our dri­ves and rea­sons for doing things can be traced to sex or rather to recre­ational instincts deeply seated in our genetic struc­ture. All this may sound very dis­cour­ag­ing and demean­ing. You may think that there is much more to life than sex, and I would agree with you. All I want you to do is to embrace the pos­si­bil­ity that sex­ual and pro­cre­ational power is almost omnipo­tent and that it per­vades the major­ity of our day-to-day actions. To the extent that you notice how much you are dri­ven by rea­sons of sex even if not so obvi­ous or direct, you can have fun with it, have more con­trol and power over your actions, develop more com­pas­sion towards oth­ers and start accept­ing peo­ple for what they are and for what they are not. In other words you will live and expe­ri­ence love more often.  Now “Go forth and  mul­ti­ply”, or just enjoy it.


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Thinking & Destiny

Some­times it’s good to be reminded of some basics, which may be very obvi­ous once brought to your atten­tion, but which we rarely   apply in our day-to-day deal­ings with our part­ners in our relationships.

So, here it is: OUR THINKING CREATES OUR DESTINY. I am not claim­ing that this is THE truth, but if you regard it as such your life will change for the bet­ter. We, our phys­i­cal bod­ies, are the exe­cu­tion­ers of our will. Every­thing starts with thought. Noth­ing hap­pens with­out it. Check it out if you do not believe me: your next move depends on what you are think­ing NOW. And, it is always NOW. Later becomes now and past when­ever it hap­pened, always hap­pened in what was then NOW. No one can put thoughts in your head. No one can make you think any­thing. Think­ing is a process that starts and fin­ishes inside your mind. It often looks as if some­one made us have cer­tain thoughts, but that is in fact impos­si­ble. All they do is they trig­ger some mem­o­ries and beliefs that we keep close and dear and when they are chal­lenged or con­firmed we REACT with our thoughts. These thoughts gen­er­ate feel­ings. There is no feel­ing with­out a thought except a phys­i­cal pain when we get cut, burned or hit. (This point can be argued as well, but I will not go into it at this point.)

Can you see how this can apply to your relat­ing to other peo­ple? Just because we are not aware that we are the cre­ators of our thoughts and/or are not will­ing to take respon­si­bil­ity for it, we tend to blame oth­ers for our des­tiny, for how our life and our rela­tion­ships go. By pass­ing on our respon­si­bil­ity to oth­ers we will­ingly give power to oth­ers to cre­ate our des­tiny and in return reserve the right to blame them and make them wrong. This is the way of the vic­tim, and I can see how being a vic­tim can be com­fort­ing. Hav­ing no respon­si­bil­i­ties is like being a child again, no power and seem­ingly no wor­ries. Being an adult means, to a large extent tak­ing respon­si­bil­ity for your actions. And, since every action (and inac­tion) starts with a thought, your free­dom and the well­be­ing of your rela­tion­ship starts with your con­scious action for tak­ing respon­si­bil­ity for what goes on inside your head. Your future, your life and your des­tiny depend on it, no more and no less.

Best regards,


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