Do Women Have An Agenda?

Do women have an ulte­rior motive when they start a relationship?

Oh, yes they do! Now, let’s see how this works. I under­stand that it is a gen­er­al­iza­tion, but we are gen­er­ally either men or women, so this would apply to all of us to a larger or smaller degree whether we are aware of it or not.

Every­one knows what a man’s agenda is, at least at the begin­ning of a “roman­tic” rela­tion­ship. It’s sex, loud and clear. We men of course will not admit it out loud, but that’s what we dream of when we encounter a woman we “like”. Women know that as well and they use it, con­sciously or not, to attract men.  So, now women know what we want, but are we men aware of what and if women want some­thing from us. Gen­er­ally speak­ing, yes, unless we get “roman­ti­cally” involved, i.e., fall in love. At that point we’d like to think that we swept them off their feet.  In other words, we pre­fer to be blind and have our ego take over. We like to think that a woman was attracted to us for who we are, because of our per­son­al­ity, because we are funny, well-built, macho, smart, intel­li­gent, good look­ing, etc. Usu­ally noth­ing can be fur­ther from the truth.

Our agenda when we meet a woman we are attracted to is sex; women’s agenda — whether they know it or not – is a com­mit­ted rela­tion­ship lead­ing to mar­riage. Women don’t date, only men do. That all-encompassing motive may have any one of many sub-motives, including:

-    Want­ing to be res­cued from a frus­trat­ing life sit­u­a­tion
–    Want­ing to get away from con­trol­ling par­ents or a dis­sat­is­fy­ing rela­tion­ship with a man.
–    Want­ing to be taken care of, finan­cially and/or emo­tion­ally, specif­i­cally, want­ing some­one to pro­tect her from the things that she fears. Those may include being alone and being respon­si­ble for her­self, mak­ing deci­sions, deal­ing with money mat­ters, or deal­ing with the every­day stresses and con­flicts of life.
–    Want­ing to be val­i­dated as lov­able and attrac­tive.
–    Want­ing a baby.

Just as a man trans­forms a woman into an object when it comes to his dreams about sex, so does a woman uncon­sciously trans­form the man into an object. She is attracted to him for his poten­tial func­tion in her life, a motive she will deny because she wants to believe that her motive is pure love. Her denial is no dif­fer­ent from a man’s denial when he says, “I really do love you. I’m not just after sex.”

In my expe­ri­ence most of the rela­tion­ships that fall apart started with “love” of this sort: blind­ness or the denial of real rea­sons and agen­das most likely were at work at the time. Just by look­ing at how rela­tion­ships started one can pretty much pre­dict how they will end if there were no per­sonal devel­op­ment work involved i.e., if the aware­ness level has not been raised and each per­son came to grips with real­ity. Rela­tion­ships that start with such infat­u­a­tion usu­ally start dis­in­te­grat­ing as soon as the orig­i­nal needs and motives for start­ing the rela­tion­ship have been real­ized. The rea­son for “lov­ing” has dis­si­pated and the man becomes just another annoy­ing per­son with all his pos­i­tive char­ac­ter­is­tics which were the orig­i­nal rea­son for enter­ing into a rela­tion­ship with him turn­ing into faults. His being strong and tough becomes a bully and insen­si­tive, being suc­cess­ful into “never spend­ing enough time with the fam­ily”, being funny into always telling crude jokes, etc. This is not to say that men have no part to play in these dynamics.

Men are equally respon­si­ble because of their resis­tance to look­ing at the true nature of the rela­tion­ship in the first place, along with the need to believe the unbe­liev­able – namely, that they are irre­sistibly lov­able just for being themselves.

The inher­ent rea­son for such auto­matic behav­ior on both sides is well explained in The Game­less Rela­tion­ship so I’m not going to repeat it here. Suf­fice it to say that 15,000 years of liv­ing in sur­vival mode have cre­ated deep roots in our way of think­ing and deal­ing with real­i­ties, that we most of the time oper­ate on auto­matic and rarely stop to smell the roses and attempt to be authen­tic because being authen­tic, although seem­ingly dan­ger­ous at times, will not sum­mon a saber tooth tiger to threaten our very life.

Rela­tion­ships that start with a healthy atti­tude and gen­uine love – which is often con­fused with “being IN love” – have a much bet­ter chance of sur­vival. Maybe there is some­thing to be said in favor of “arranged” mar­riages, but I’ll leave that sub­ject for future articles.

Love to all,

Radomir

http://www.RelationshipSaver.org/

http://www.GamelessRelationship.com/

 

Share

Natural” Relationships

In the last few years since I’ve been sell­ing The Rela­tion­ship Saver and coach­ing peo­ple in their rela­tion­ships, I have come to see an inter­est­ing trend in age-old beliefs and behav­iors taken for granted, never ques­tion­ing whether they work or if there is a bet­ter way to do things. Namely, there are two things that we pre­sume come to us nat­u­rally: rela­tion­ships and par­ent­ing. What we mean by nat­u­rally is that we should have inborn knowl­edge of the best way to be in a rela­tion­ship as well as to rear our chil­dren. In fact, there are very few behav­iors that are genet­i­cally pro­grammed and they are mostly about basic sur­vival. The way we learn about rela­tion­ships and par­ent­ing is from our par­ents and the way they learned it is from their par­ents and so on. So, what we know about rela­tion­ships and par­ent­ing is largely learned behav­ior and has very lit­tle to do with “nat­ural” knowl­edge. Acquir­ing knowl­edge in this way might have been okay 5,000 years ago when tribal struc­tures were dom­i­nant and nec­es­sary in order to assure the sur­vival of the tribe. How­ever, most of us do not live in tribes any more and the knowl­edge that we acquire from our par­ents – which hap­pens mostly on a sub­con­scious level – is far from enough to ful­fill our desires for being in a great rela­tion­ship or bring up men­tally healthy children.

It is curi­ous to observe how far dif­fer­ent branches of sci­ence and phi­los­o­phy have come in learn­ing about human behav­ior as indi­vid­u­als and in soci­eties, and yet the gen­eral pop­u­la­tion is largely unaware of the knowl­edge avail­able to them. Tribal cul­tural pres­sure still dom­i­nates our way of think­ing; we still think that we “should nat­u­rally know” how to cre­ate great rela­tion­ships and rear happy chil­dren. We are able to go to the moon and dis­cover the secrets of the uni­verse, but we are unable to edu­cate our pop­u­la­tion in these two basic areas. We go to school to learn all sorts of things to make us more able to get a “job” and make money but when it comes to rela­tion­ship and par­ent­ing our igno­rance is painfully obvious.

I have come to believe that the most impor­tant sub­jects through­out the school years should be Rela­tion­ships because the “qual­ity of our rela­tion­ships deter­mines the qual­ity of our lives.” Of course, if that ever hap­pens — which I doubt it will any time soon since schools are not inter­ested in our hap­pi­ness — I will have to change my pro­fes­sion as a rela­tion­ship coach, and I’d be happy to do so, not because I do not enjoy it, but because my dream would be fulfilled.

http://www.RelationshipSaver.org/

http://www.GamelessRelationship.com/

Share

 

; var sc_security=""; var sc_invisible=1; var sc_click_stat=1; // ]]>