Change is a very pop­u­lar topic. You either want it, don’t want it, or it is forced upon you. In any case, change is inevitable. They say it is the only thing that stays con­stant. Very clever, and deeeeeep — in a cos­mic sense. But how do we deal with it in our lives, on the court?

When change occurs it hap­pens on all lev­els: per­sonal, social, behav­ioral and cul­tural or rela­tional. Or rather, if change is to take effect it has to occur in all of these four areas whether we like it or not.

Change may be thrown upon you, such as when you are being unex­pect­edly dumped by your loved one. The change in your rela­tion­ship is a cul­tural change. It occurs in a rela­tion­ship between two peo­ple. And not only two peo­ple, it has a rip­ple effect on most of the peo­ple you know. Their rela­tion­ship to you may also change.

Spa­tial change occurs in your envi­ron­ment; you may need to move out, change or find a job, etc.

Your behav­ior is bound to change as well. Things you used to do you don’t do any more, or you start doing things you never used to before, like drink­ing, etc.  Remem­ber, you have been dumped. It’s not easy on your emo­tional life. You may be dev­as­tated. You may be going through emo­tional stages sim­i­lar to peo­ple who hear that they have three months left to live.

All in all, you are in a big hole, emo­tion­ally and oth­er­wise. Changes like these can be dev­as­tat­ing. So, where do you start the recov­ery process? In The Rela­tion­ship Saver I say, “be happy”. Yes, right! Eas­ier said than done, you will notice.

Here is the first step. Start from your inter­nal processes, with your­self. The rea­son being that the only ele­ment you have con­trol over is YOU. (I know: it would be much eas­ier if oth­ers would change to accom­mo­date your wishes, but that’s not going to hap­pen.) Since change is thrown upon you, in order to turn it around, the first thing you need to do is CHANGE YOUR MIND. About what? You might ask.

First, let’s dis­tin­guish what I mean by mind in this case, before we go about chang­ing it. What I mean by your mind is your point of view, lit­er­ally, the point from which you see the world. Since every­one has a dif­fer­ent point of view, obvi­ously there is not ONE point of view to observe the world, or in this case, the present sit­u­a­tion of being dumped.

Chang­ing your mind or point of view is often dif­fi­cult to do because we iden­tify with our point of view, this is who we are, this is what we believe and let­ting go is as scary as los­ing our­selves in obliv­ion. We think if we change our point of view we have a weak char­ac­ter or that we are aban­don­ing our val­ues and beliefs, which we think make us who we are. Noth­ing can be fur­ther from the truth. Open-minded peo­ple often change their mind depend­ing on the real­ity with which they are pre­sented. You may believe in the sanc­tity of mar­riage, for instance, but such mar­riages are sup­posed to be per­fect mar­riages, noth­ing like the one you may be in now. Chang­ing your mind by real­iz­ing that your mar­riage is what it is now and not what it should be, is the first step. Is this mar­riage what you want or some­thing that you used to have? Obvi­ously not. So instead of hold­ing onto your idea of how things should be, start think­ing about what to do next. Many peo­ple in such a sit­u­a­tion say: “But I love him/her I don’t want us to sep­a­rate.” No, you love the per­son who was, not the one who is now.

Chang­ing your mind about your needs is another big step. You really do not need him/her. It is your fear talk­ing. Do not lis­ten to it. Do you con­sider your­self “brave” or a “weak­ling”? Fol­low your high­est self and you will change your mind much more eas­ily. Being a vic­tim brings a sweet cozy feel­ing for a while, but in the long run it is pathetic and dis­gust­ing, espe­cially if you are a self-proclaimed vic­tim, which is how it is most of the time. You HAVE every­thing you need. Change your mind about that and your life will change.

When you change the way you look at your­self every­thing changes, includ­ing your behav­ior. Chang­ing your cir­cle of friends and/or the place you live and work will most likely be a wel­come change in the long run. Stop con­trol­ling your des­tiny. You can­not. You will only make more mis­takes. You can only cre­ate your future and the time to do it is ALWAYS now.

Click HERE for The Rela­tion­ship Saver, The Fast Track Man­ual for Sav­ing your Relationship.


February 4, 2012

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Category: Awareness, How to, Marriage



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