Do Women Have An Agenda?

Do women have an ulte­rior motive when they start a relationship?

Oh, yes they do! Now, let’s see how this works. I under­stand that it is a gen­er­al­iza­tion, but we are gen­er­ally either men or women, so this would apply to all of us to a larger or smaller degree whether we are aware of it or not.

Every­one knows what a man’s agenda is, at least at the begin­ning of a “roman­tic” rela­tion­ship. It’s sex, loud and clear. We men of course will not admit it out loud, but that’s what we dream of when we encounter a woman we “like”. Women know that as well and they use it, con­sciously or not, to attract men.  So, now women know what we want, but are we men aware of what and if women want some­thing from us. Gen­er­ally speak­ing, yes, unless we get “roman­ti­cally” involved, i.e., fall in love. At that point we’d like to think that we swept them off their feet.  In other words, we pre­fer to be blind and have our ego take over. We like to think that a woman was attracted to us for who we are, because of our per­son­al­ity, because we are funny, well-built, macho, smart, intel­li­gent, good look­ing, etc. Usu­ally noth­ing can be fur­ther from the truth.

Our agenda when we meet a woman we are attracted to is sex; women’s agenda — whether they know it or not – is a com­mit­ted rela­tion­ship lead­ing to mar­riage. Women don’t date, only men do. That all-encompassing motive may have any one of many sub-motives, including:

-    Want­ing to be res­cued from a frus­trat­ing life sit­u­a­tion
–    Want­ing to get away from con­trol­ling par­ents or a dis­sat­is­fy­ing rela­tion­ship with a man.
–    Want­ing to be taken care of, finan­cially and/or emo­tion­ally, specif­i­cally, want­ing some­one to pro­tect her from the things that she fears. Those may include being alone and being respon­si­ble for her­self, mak­ing deci­sions, deal­ing with money mat­ters, or deal­ing with the every­day stresses and con­flicts of life.
–    Want­ing to be val­i­dated as lov­able and attrac­tive.
–    Want­ing a baby.

Just as a man trans­forms a woman into an object when it comes to his dreams about sex, so does a woman uncon­sciously trans­form the man into an object. She is attracted to him for his poten­tial func­tion in her life, a motive she will deny because she wants to believe that her motive is pure love. Her denial is no dif­fer­ent from a man’s denial when he says, “I really do love you. I’m not just after sex.”

In my expe­ri­ence most of the rela­tion­ships that fall apart started with “love” of this sort: blind­ness or the denial of real rea­sons and agen­das most likely were at work at the time. Just by look­ing at how rela­tion­ships started one can pretty much pre­dict how they will end if there were no per­sonal devel­op­ment work involved i.e., if the aware­ness level has not been raised and each per­son came to grips with real­ity. Rela­tion­ships that start with such infat­u­a­tion usu­ally start dis­in­te­grat­ing as soon as the orig­i­nal needs and motives for start­ing the rela­tion­ship have been real­ized. The rea­son for “lov­ing” has dis­si­pated and the man becomes just another annoy­ing per­son with all his pos­i­tive char­ac­ter­is­tics which were the orig­i­nal rea­son for enter­ing into a rela­tion­ship with him turn­ing into faults. His being strong and tough becomes a bully and insen­si­tive, being suc­cess­ful into “never spend­ing enough time with the fam­ily”, being funny into always telling crude jokes, etc. This is not to say that men have no part to play in these dynamics.

Men are equally respon­si­ble because of their resis­tance to look­ing at the true nature of the rela­tion­ship in the first place, along with the need to believe the unbe­liev­able – namely, that they are irre­sistibly lov­able just for being themselves.

The inher­ent rea­son for such auto­matic behav­ior on both sides is well explained in The Game­less Rela­tion­ship so I’m not going to repeat it here. Suf­fice it to say that 15,000 years of liv­ing in sur­vival mode have cre­ated deep roots in our way of think­ing and deal­ing with real­i­ties, that we most of the time oper­ate on auto­matic and rarely stop to smell the roses and attempt to be authen­tic because being authen­tic, although seem­ingly dan­ger­ous at times, will not sum­mon a saber tooth tiger to threaten our very life.

Rela­tion­ships that start with a healthy atti­tude and gen­uine love – which is often con­fused with “being IN love” – have a much bet­ter chance of sur­vival. Maybe there is some­thing to be said in favor of “arranged” mar­riages, but I’ll leave that sub­ject for future articles.

Love to all,




Comments (10)


February 23rd, 2010 at 2:39 AM    

What a stag­ger­ingly cyn­i­cal and nihilis­tic stance to take!


Bev Willard

February 23rd, 2010 at 8:44 PM    

Hate to admit it, but I’m guilty of being less than straight­for­ward even though I’d like to be. Work­ing on it is tough, but worth the heartache of see­ing myself for the self­ish per­son I really am. I’m focus­ing of others,on the lov­ing part–better live a long life for that one!

Thanks for your insight.

Clean Lee

May 12th, 2011 at 1:27 PM    

Excel­lent arti­cle. Right on.

Steve Ross

October 6th, 2011 at 11:50 PM    

Radomirs words reach out in a sea of con­fu­sion.
His “Rela­tion­ship saver” is invalu­able — it woked for me. I can “see” so much, more clearly now — quite a revelation!


October 16th, 2011 at 2:48 PM    

This is a very nar­row and unfor­tu­nate view of women and rela­tion­ships. I real­ize it is dif­fi­cult for most peo­ple to be up front and hon­est with oth­ers about their feel­ings and motives, espe­cially when they may not know exactly what they are them­selves. How­ever, women are totally and utterly capa­ble of tak­ing care of them­selves both finan­cially and emo­tion­ally with­out the help of a man. The only well-founded point in this arti­cle is that peo­ple want to be val­i­dated as lov­able and attrac­tive — that goes for both men and women. Isn’t that the point of dat­ing anyway?


October 16th, 2011 at 3:00 PM    

You got it Loriloo. It is nar­row and unfor­tu­nate view. And, yes, most women (like most men) ar quite capa­ble — espe­cially in west­ern soci­eties, of tak­ing care of them­selves. Unfor­tu­nate part is that more often than not women don’t know it and sub­se­quently do not act accord­ing to their abil­i­ties. Thou­sands of years old pro­gram­ing kicks in very eas­ily. One have to be very con­scious of this pro­gram­ing in order to over­come it. Most peo­ple sim­ply are not. Look at the rest of the less devel­oped world and the prob­lem of sub­ju­ga­tion of women. Thou­sands of years old habits die hard regard­less of the change in envi­ron­men­tal and cul­tural conditions.


October 16th, 2011 at 4:15 PM    

As an anthro­pol­o­gist, I agree that human behav­ior is influ­enced by gen­der spe­cific con­di­tion­ing engrained in our psy­ches — or as you put it “old habits die hard”. Long­stand­ing cul­tural, geo­graph­i­cal and envi­ron­men­tal dynam­ics play an impor­tant part of shap­ing our world view, how­ever I dis­agree that women always have an inten­tional agenda or motive when get­ting involved in a rela­tion­ship. I do believe that women (& men) want to be found attrac­tive, but the idea that women are delib­er­ately using men as a means to an end is some­thing that I cer­tainly don’t agree with. If I have an agenda in my own rela­tion­ship, what hap­pens once that need is met by my part­ner? Where’s the love? The uncon­di­tional love?


October 16th, 2011 at 4:37 PM    

First off there is noth­ing wrong with hav­ing an agenda. Men ALWAYS have an agenda just as women do. It is only dif­fer­ent agenda: sex. Women now it, but men are rarely aware of woman’s agenda, although instinc­tively they know how to attract a woman, money, car, posi­tion in soci­ety etc. Uncon­di­tional love is a state a per­son is in, it is not par­tic­u­larly directed to one per­son. If a per­son is able to love uncon­di­tion­ally he/she loves EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY. In fact as soon as you say, I love you because_______, you have an agenda. That sim­ple. Of course there are all sorts of excep­tions, but excep­tions con­firm the rule, as some­one said. Also, my inten­tion is not to pro­fess THE truth. All I want is to help peo­ple with their rela­tion­ships and I am pleased to say that my mis­sion is being accom­plished on daily bases. My clients are happy and so am I. :-)

Steve Ross

October 25th, 2011 at 5:26 PM    

Are these primeval dri­ves really still ALL encom­pass­ing? Take a women who evi­dently isn’t ready to “set­tle down”. lets say this woman enjoys sex with dif­fer­ent part­ners — what sort of object does she trans­forms each of her respec­tive lovers into. In fact, i won­der: does any ide­al­i­sa­tion take place here? Other than hav­ing a “good time” what is HER agenda?


October 25th, 2011 at 5:48 PM    

Well Steve, your ques­tion is obvi­ously the one which only a man can ask. Why don’t you go and ask a woman who is able to really rec­og­nize what dri­ves her sex­ual appetite. And, you may be right in some cases which are only excep­tions: there are some women that just want to get laid some­times. In that case you just get lucky. :-)

Leave a reply

Name *

Mail *


; var sc_security=""; var sc_invisible=1; var sc_click_stat=1; // ]]>