Here we go again about men/women differences! I keep getting calls and e-mails from men with troubled relationships and the most common problem that I hear stems from a man’s lack of knowledge, awareness and acceptance of the enormous gender differences that are the root of most of the troubles in relationships.
Here we will address one of the very characteristic modus operandi underlying women’s behavior, which men in their simplicity cannot even fathom, let alone thoroughly understand.
Why do men so often find themselves bewildered by their wife/girlfriend’s behavior when she wants to leave? Men usually ask themselves: “What did I do? Nothing changed.” When men find themselves in this situation they usually start doing everything wrong and the opposite to what they are expected, yes, expected to do. Women have expectations, all the time. The most common expectation is a mind-reading ability. Yes, men are supposed to exactly know what their women are thinking at any moment even though she exhibits behavior that is completely opposite to what she wants. For example: she will push her man away expecting him to pursue her so that she can be assured that he loves he. Never mind if you have been married for years. There is never enough proof of love and a feeling of security. What she wants is a MAN by her side with whom she can feel secure. And most men do just the opposite, they either get angry, or start groveling and fulfilling any whim that she may have. If you get angry she’ll be afraid of you. If you grovel she will despise you. Women will endlessly test you, although this may be done on a completely unconscious level; nevertheless, you are being constantly observed and tested for your love, protection, loyalty and manliness in general.
Security is the primary motivation for a woman to seek a relationship, while a man usually only has sex on his mind. In order for a woman to feel secure she most of all needs to feel loved. Their basic security need is emotional security. Women usually do not want the responsibilities and challenges that men seek either. They do not want to make survival decisions, compete to succeed, have to make money, or think how to buy a house. But, this kind of security — material security — is not nearly as important as the security in the knowledge – that needs to be constantly reinforced — that her man loves her.
There is a proverbial saying that when a women says “no”, she means, “yes”. This is not to be taken literally, but there is more truth in it than you may think. When she is pushing you away she most likely wants you to pursue her. If you are not giving her enough attention to assure her that you love her, she may even seek the company of another man who will “adore” her, but we usually know what he really wants, don’t we? A woman needs attention.
The worst thing a man can do is to ignore her, blame her or be angry with her. While a man can be angry and still love his woman, a woman cannot do that. Her only reality is her internal, emotional reality of the moment. When she is angry with you, you may just as well be dead at that moment. Women are allowed to express their emotions and that seems to be their inalienable right. On the other hand, men are not supposed to do that, as it is perceived as “irresponsible”. Women often complain that men do not express their feelings, but when they do, women perceive men as weak and not manly enough, therefore not so desirable. It’s a Catch 22, lose/lose situation.
A woman always keeps a close watch on her man. Often her actions will seem to a man as unreasonable and contradictory, but you must know that very often she will test you, albeit unconsciously, to see how much you love her and how much of a ”man” you are. This behavior is most obvious at the point of break-up, and this is where most men fail by behaving the opposite of what women want to see. Men start begging, pleading and groveling, or being angry and resentful. Nothing can be more disgusting or frightening to a woman. Either way this just continues the downward spiral towards the final break-up. Such behavior by a man is not surprising and it comes naturally to men, because — surprise ! — men have feelings as well. Nevertheless, in such a situation a man must hold his ground and be what is expected of him, a MAN.
In conclusion, men need to learn to walk the edge all the time. Women have to walk their own, but that is their concern. We men need to learn about women’s needs but persist in being manly in order to attract and keep a woman. Opposites attract, remember?
What is your experience? I’d love to hear from you.