For Men

Here we go again about men/women dif­fer­ences! I keep get­ting calls and e-mails from men with trou­bled rela­tion­ships and the most com­mon prob­lem that I hear stems from a man’s lack of knowl­edge, aware­ness and accep­tance of the enor­mous gen­der dif­fer­ences that are the root of most of the trou­bles in relationships.

Here we will address one of the very char­ac­ter­is­tic modus operandi under­ly­ing women’s behav­ior, which men in their sim­plic­ity can­not even fathom, let alone thor­oughly understand.

Why do men so often find them­selves bewil­dered by their wife/girlfriend’s behav­ior when she wants to leave? Men usu­ally ask them­selves: “What did I do? Noth­ing changed.” When men find them­selves in this sit­u­a­tion they usu­ally start doing every­thing wrong and the oppo­site to what they are expected, yes, expected to do. Women have expec­ta­tions, all the time. The most com­mon expec­ta­tion is a mind-reading abil­ity. Yes, men are sup­posed to exactly know what their women are think­ing at any moment even though she exhibits behav­ior that is com­pletely oppo­site to what she wants. For exam­ple: she will push her man away expect­ing him to pur­sue her so that she can be assured that he loves he. Never mind if you have been mar­ried for years. There is never enough proof of love and a feel­ing of secu­rity. What she wants is a MAN by her side with whom she can feel secure. And most men do just the oppo­site, they either get angry, or start grov­el­ing and ful­fill­ing any whim that she may have. If you get angry she’ll be afraid of you. If you grovel she will despise you. Women will end­lessly test you, although this may be done on a com­pletely uncon­scious level; nev­er­the­less, you are being con­stantly observed and tested for your love, pro­tec­tion, loy­alty and man­li­ness in general.

Secu­rity is the pri­mary moti­va­tion for a woman to seek a rela­tion­ship, while a man usu­ally only has sex on his mind. In order for a woman to feel secure she most of all needs to feel loved. Their basic secu­rity need is emo­tional secu­rity. Women usu­ally do not want the respon­si­bil­i­ties and chal­lenges that men seek either. They do not want to make sur­vival deci­sions, com­pete to suc­ceed, have to make money, or think how to buy a house. But, this kind of secu­rity — mate­r­ial secu­rity — is not nearly as impor­tant as the secu­rity in the knowl­edge – that needs to be con­stantly rein­forced — that her man loves her.

There is a prover­bial say­ing that when a women says “no”, she means, “yes”. This is not to be taken lit­er­ally, but there is more truth in it than you may think. When she is push­ing you away she most likely wants you to pur­sue her. If you are not giv­ing her enough atten­tion to assure her that you love her, she may even seek the com­pany of another man who will “adore” her, but we usu­ally know what he really wants, don’t we? A woman needs attention.

The worst thing a man can do is to ignore her, blame her or be angry with her. While a man can be angry and still love his woman, a woman can­not do that. Her only real­ity is her inter­nal, emo­tional real­ity of the moment. When she is angry with you, you may just as well be dead at that moment. Women are allowed to express their emo­tions and that seems to be their inalien­able right. On the other hand, men are not sup­posed to do that, as it is per­ceived as “irre­spon­si­ble”. Women often com­plain that men do not express their feel­ings, but when they do, women per­ceive men as weak and not manly enough, there­fore not so desir­able. It’s a Catch 22, lose/lose situation.

A woman always keeps a close watch on her man. Often her actions will seem to a man as unrea­son­able and con­tra­dic­tory, but you must know that very often she will test you, albeit uncon­sciously, to see how much you love her and how much of a ”man” you are. This behav­ior is most obvi­ous at the point of break-up, and this is where most men fail by behav­ing the oppo­site of what women want to see. Men start beg­ging, plead­ing and grov­el­ing, or being angry and resent­ful. Noth­ing can be more dis­gust­ing or fright­en­ing to a woman. Either way this just con­tin­ues the down­ward spi­ral towards the final break-up. Such behav­ior by a man is not sur­pris­ing and it comes nat­u­rally to men, because — sur­prise ! — men have feel­ings as well. Nev­er­the­less, in such a sit­u­a­tion a man must hold his ground and be what is expected of him, a MAN.

In con­clu­sion, men need to learn to walk the edge all the time. Women have to walk their own, but that is their con­cern. We men need to learn about women’s needs but per­sist in being manly in order to attract and keep a woman. Oppo­sites attract, remember?

What is your expe­ri­ence? I’d love to hear from you.


Comments (8)

Kevin B.

April 29th, 2010 at 9:49 PM    

Thanks for the insight today Radomir. I agree with some of what you said in this blog. My prob­lem is the only time I can actu­ally fol­low thru with these actions is when I really don’t care about the woman I’m with. I know this through past expe­ri­ence. If I care for them but don’t really love them then it’s easy to let them act the way they want. Even if it means they want to leave… oh well. Where I fail is when I let my feel­ing grow.. ie let my guard down and fall in love then when things become dif­fi­cult I fall into the pat­tern you described. So there’s the dilemma. When I’m in love I put myself in a vul­ner­a­ble posi­tion. With the good pos­si­bil­ity to get hurt. Women want to be loved but seem to be able to turn it on and off like a light switch. That’s not me. Love is a com­mit­ment. I read some­thing once I believe in. You don’t fall in love by choice it’s by chanced. You don’t stay in love by chance it’s by work. You don’t fall out of love by chance it’s by choice.

Joe C

June 3rd, 2010 at 11:49 AM    

Radomir, I have a ques­tion for you. What if you are giv­ing the woman too much atten­tion? What would be the best course of action? Great arti­cle by the way!


June 4th, 2010 at 9:32 PM    

First, make sure that what you are doing is giv­ing her atten­tion and not some­thing else, like smoth­er­ing her, or try­ing to con­trol her or dom­i­nate her. Sec­ond, if you don’t know, ask her? You might have to do it many times if you want to hear the truth, which you may not like, by the way.

Peter A

August 16th, 2010 at 12:15 AM    

Great advice. Keep spread­ing the word.
Have to say, I’m like Kevin B.

Clean Lee

May 12th, 2011 at 1:17 PM    

Radomir, excel­lent article.

We just need a female coun­ter­part of yours to write as TO THE POINT as you, though from a female’s point of view.

The women out there NEEDS to know what a man wants and needs also. Then, this world could become a bet­ter place.

Great arti­cle and I agree with many insights shared. Spot on. Just that it is not always easy for a man to be a MAN (as if there are rules for being YOU. There isn’t… . We are who we are and we should JUST BE, with­out any hoops to jump nor stan­dards to attain). Some­times we get tired (of these ‘games’) and we stop cher­ish­ing and ‘lov­ing’ the women. Instead of lav­ish­ing the lady with atten­tion like we used to, we cut her out, we become our­selves and spend time with our friends.

Guess what happens?

That’s right. The woman comes back. She needs me and my atten­tion. And that’s the sad part. Now we are being our­selves, not as ‘attached’ to her.. and she feels we are MAN and there­fore finds us attrac­tive. In a way, I feel that’s “SICK”. Whether a woman does it con­sciously or not, it doesn’t mat­ter. The dam­age is done and we don’t feel the same and will never love her like we did any­more. In my mind, it already ended. And true to your word, in this case (usu­ally I would dis­agree).… it is only for sex.

What men wants from a WOMAN, is usu­ally Soft­ness, SUPPORT (VERY IMPORTANT), RESPECT, and firm obvi­ous LOYALTY.

If you, a lady, are able to give these to your men while being your­self (not sim­ply just a ‘behav­iour’).… you shall have a great rela­tion­ship with the lucky man in your life.

Yes, we need a female coun­ter­part to you, Radomir, who speaks as clearly to the females as you do to MEN in this article.

Keep on writ­ing, excel­lent infor­ma­tion all round.

P.S. Thank you for the book Rela­tion­ship Saver.

It def­i­nitely worked.

I cer­tainly wished things were sim­pler, with­out the need for ”games”. Where we need to under­stand these women and play the game to suit them. IF we can all just be our­selves.… we can still be true (like lit­tle boys and lit­tle girls) and it will all be sim­ply, great.

Even though she is with me now, I don’t really care about it any­more. Things are dif­fer­ent for me, already.


May 31st, 2011 at 8:12 PM    

To Clean Lee,

I am a woman and I agree with you on many things. I also do not under­stand myself and why I (a woman) do these things.

All i a wanted in the begin­ning of my rela­tion­ship with my bf was to be loved and then once he fell in love, I felt smoothered by his expres­sion and I asked him to bring it down a lit­tle. As i write this, I am ashamed of myself.

Now that he does not have that intense love for me any­more, I “want” it so badly :-( I never know what my man really needed from me, I could only see what my feel­ings were and I didn’t under­stand them, but thought they were right.

You write: What men wants from a WOMAN, is usu ally Soft ness, SUPPORT (VERY IMPORTANT), RESPECT, and firm obvi ous LOYALTY.

One of my biggest prob­lems was not under­stand­ing why my man always wanted my Sup­port when he told me that he would only sup­port me when he believed in it and the other thing I never could wrap my head around was why he demands my RESPECT or other peo­ple in my fam­i­lies RESPECT. I never thought before that RESPECT wasn’t needed in a relationship…that we are just try and treat each other right. My mistake…I took the word “respect” to literally.

I do not know if my bf will ever let him­self love me the way he did before. And that hurts me very badly.

Ann Onymous

September 11th, 2011 at 2:18 PM    

From a female point of view?

The “manly” thing…whatever I’m cool if you show your emo­tion just don’t get crazy and don’t cry all the damn time.

The pur­suit (no means yes) thing…I per­son­ally don’t want my spouse to give up on me. That’s the best way I can describe it. If I say we’re done I want to hear “no we’re not. I love you. We can work through this”. Yes women are crazy. It’s how our brains work. It’s not a choice. But don’t get mad when we say we want to break up. We DON’T. We want you to fight for what you love. And if you dont fight we think you don’t love. It’s a need not a want. We need to always be reas­sured of the love. But this doesn’t mean if she has a restrain­ing order you should ignore it. No… if there’s a restrain­ing order, then you’re done boo boo. Do not keep pur­su­ing that woman.


January 17th, 2012 at 9:47 AM    

It’s so odd. I know if I read that in my 20s I would con­sider that as hav­ing a neg­a­tive bias about women, being sex­ist over­all. Now I’m 41 and have done tons of soul-searching to fig­ure out why I am the way I am and how to fix myself if I’m bro­ken. Read­ing your arti­cles about women have actu­ally made me feel as if I can finally stop now. It really touches scope of who I am and what I ulti­mately need. Thank you. Yay, I’m not crazy!
(well, maybe a little…but it has noth­ing to do with being female)

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