I shall attempt to lay out as succinctly as I can a guide to most common issues we, men, need to deal with in our relationships with our women. Too often we forget that we are dealing with a “different species” i.e. female Homo Sapiens and by default, if we want to be nice, we treat them the way we want to be treated. That’s what we have been told: “Do unto the others as you would have them do unto you.” Wrong! When dealing with the opposite sex, in fact with others in general, we should use the modification of this rule: “Do unto others as they would have it done to themselves”. In other word treat others as they want to be treated.
Well, the problem arises when you have no idea how others (women) want to be treated. Especially when it changes all the time depending on circumstances and on constantly changing feelings that women are so good at. Men are certainly disadvantaged in this area. The best we can do is to become good at a guessing game. So often we find ourselves with a foot in our mouth not understanding what happened and how we got there, although we treated our very much loved woman exactly the way we would want to be treated.
Here I will try to outline some “rules” that will keep your foot where it belongs, on the floor.
Since this article is aimed at men I will deal with this issue in bullet points. Here are some of the basic rules when dealing with a woman we love:
• First and foremost: take full responsibility for what comes out of your mouth as well as how you choose to interpret what you hear.
• Reassurance. Our women need to be told that we love them. We erroneously think that our actions like working and providing for the family clearly communicates our love for her. We often think that the more we work the stronger is the message of our love. Wrong again. Nothing can substitute looking in her eyes and telling her: “I love you.”
• Emotions. Women emote very differently then we do. A woman having a diffused focus as opposed to single-focus of us, men, cannot control what thoughts come into their head. Thoughts trigger emotions and we men find ourselves in trouble, not knowing what hit us. There is no logic and no connection to the present situation. We cannot connect dots and We start asking ourselves what did we do wrong. Most likely nothing. Feelings sometimes go rampant in a woman. She cannot control it. She cannot choose what to think about. Saying “Don’t think about it” does not help. Try to close the issue by resolving the concern. Of course you need to find out what the real concern is and that may take some doing.
• Security. Again we think that the most important thing for a woman is that she feels financially secure. That’s why, as I mentioned before, you do your best to provide for her. That’s awfully nice of you, but you may be barking up a wrong tree. What she really wants much more than “money and things” is emotional security. This means that she can count on you to always be there for her and that she can count on you to be her best friend.
• Listening. We men listen for a problems and look for solutions. We also listen for the point of the conversation. We have no patience to listen to a chronological unfolding of a story without knowing were it is going. As soon as our loved one tells us that she has a problem, we are thinking how to fix it. Wrong! Your women is quite able most of the time to fix the problem herself. If she cannot she will ask you for help. You need to trust that. What she wants from you is to listen to her and acknowledge how she feels about it, because her feelings are the problem that she needs to communicate to you. Once you know that, it becomes easy (or not) to just listen and not offer your solutions because there are none. She is dealing with her feelings which she has no control over. So, next time she comes to you with a problem, do not listen to her problem, listen for her feelings. Do not offer help, wait to be asked for it, or ask if she wants your help.
• Sex. We men are very vain. When our woman does not want to have sex with us, we take it personally. Sex is our primary drive in relationship with a woman. Not so for them. In fact once you understand that woman’s “warm-up time” is much longer than ours and that she needs to be forewarned so that she can anticipate it, things become much easier. It’s not about you. Women are wired differently and for a good reason. (I’m not going to go into it here.) Very often she just wants to be close to you, to snuggle and be cuddled. Of course, whenever that happens you think about sex. Hold your horses, not so fast! It DOES NOT mean that she wants sex. If you insist on it every time she comes close to you, she will start avoiding you. You scare her off. Take it easy, take your time. Once she gets into it, she WILL enjoy it as much, or maybe even more than you do, but patience is an operative word.
• Beauty. A woman asks a man: “Does this dress make me look fat?” Man: “No, your fat makes you look fat.” Baaaaad move. That’s how you can talk to other man friends and not to a woman, because women are different species. They will never interpret it as a joke, or just take it as plain truth. Remember, it’s all about feelings. Her interpretation would be …. well, make up your own. Women want us to find them attractive. They want to be looked at and we, men want to look. Perfect match! She has a deep need to know that she is beautiful for YOU. When she asks you how she looks do not say, just fine. Cultural pressure to look beautiful is great and it can hardly be avoided. So, tell her often and honestly that she is beautiful. You do not have to use exactly that word, but there are so many others and other ways to say the same thing. Be creative.
These are just some of the points that we men often are not aware of, or simply do not bother to practice them. Try them, they work. Ask your women.
(Next article will be for women about men)
Let us know your thoughts and experiences about this from both men and women.