Is It Fear, Or Is It Love?

We talk a lot about love in rela­tion­ships as being the most impor­tant ingre­di­ent with­out which a rela­tion­ship can­not be sus­tained. So, we always talk about how we want to be loved more, how the love was lost, how to regain love and put the “spark” back in our rela­tion­ship. We think that some­how that feel­ing of love or a lov­ing feel­ing should always be present and only then we would know that our rela­tion­ship is OK. When a rela­tion­ship is break­ing up there seems to be a simul­ta­ne­ous loss of love, or loss of love pre­cedes the break up. We treat love as a “thing” that can some­how be lost. If it can be lost, then we think it can be gained as well. Peo­ple who use The Rela­tion­ship Saver are always on the side where their partner’s love for them was lost and they want their part­ner to regain it. They live in a state of fear that they will not be able to get their part­ner to regain their love for them although they “love“ them “with all their hart.” No one notices the con­tra­dic­tion and impos­si­bil­i­ties in this kind of rea­son­ing, or rather wish­ful think­ing: love and fear don’t mix, like oil and water.

First we must under­stand that that elu­sive “love” is a state of mind and it is much big­ger than a sim­ple feel­ing. You can only receive love if you are able to give it. There is no such a thing as a lim­ited sup­ply of love. You can­not share love. Love is not a pie so when you give two slices to one per­son there is none left for another. When you love, every­one and every­thing receives all your love all the time. You do not have to with­hold love for one per­son in order to have “enough love” for another per­son that you love. Love has no bounds. You are either in a state of love or in the state of fear.

If you are sav­ing “your love” for one per­son or thing, you are being in a state of fear, which elim­i­nates love. Love is much big­ger than a feel­ing for one per­son. Love starts with the accep­tance of real­ity itself. Accept­ing real­ity for what it is and not what you think it “should” be is the first step to expe­ri­enc­ing the state of love. You can­not love one per­son and not love other peo­ple and the world itself. So, by now you might have noticed that the kind of love I am talk­ing about is uncon­di­tional love. And, yes, that is the only love there is. When­ever you have a rea­son for lov­ing you may be sure that it is not love. It most likely is a need. Ask your­self why you love your part­ner. Is it because he is good to you, strong, hand­some, good father, or is it because she is beau­ti­ful, sup­port­ive, good mother? Now ask your­self what would hap­pen if your part­ner loses those qual­i­ties or stops doing thinks that you love him for. Your love will most cer­tainly dis­ap­pear. We can safely con­clude that your love is not uncon­di­tional, but you were get­ting what you needed and you were grate­ful to your part­ner for it.  Your part­ner sat­is­fied your needs and that’s why you “loved” him. And, fear of los­ing it was always present, or you just took it for granted. You did not love your part­ner for who he is, as a per­son, but for what he does, or what need of yours she could sat­isfy. So when your part­ner says he is not in love with you any more, or that she does not love you any more, he/she prob­a­bly never really did in the first place. You were only sat­is­fy­ing one or more of your partner’s needs and now you don’t.

Fear of los­ing a per­son is often trans­lated into “I love him so much”. Con­sider that you don’t. If you did, you’d let him go. You do not need him. I know that it may sound coun­ter­in­tu­itive, but life does not con­form to what you think life should be. Life just is. You were born alone and being an adult, you do not need any­one to tell you that they love you. You are the one who is capa­ble of lov­ing and that’s the only way to receive love. You can­not extract love from any­one. Love is liv­ing with­out fear. Love dis­perses fear like light dis­perses dark­ness. Liv­ing in fear is like liv­ing in dark. Turn the light on and be fearless.

•    Love is not a thing.
•    Love is not a feel­ing.
•    Love is a state of mind.
•    Love is choice.
•    The oppo­site of love is not hate, it is fear.
•    Love is pos­si­ble only where there is no fear.
•    When there is fear there is no love.
•    Where there is love there is NO fear, no mat­ter what.
•    Love is free.
•    Love is fear­less.
•    When you love you can­not be afraid.
•    Jesus was not afraid of dying. He loved.
•    Love is oppo­site of fear. One can­not love and be fear­ful at the same time.

Prac­tic­ing uncon­di­tional love requires fear­less­ness. You must be brave, con­scious, com­mit­ted, in touch of and respect­ful of real­ity and counter your knee-jerk reac­tions. When being in a state of uncon­di­tional love you will expe­ri­ence free­dom like you’ve never known before, peace, tran­quil­ity, and feel­ing of invin­ci­bil­ity and sense of per­fec­tion. You know that every­thing is just the way it should be. Expe­ri­enc­ing uncon­di­tional love is not the same as liv­ing in an illu­sion­ary la-la land. Liv­ing an illu­sion is liv­ing in you own imag­ined world that does not rep­re­sent real­ity.  On the other hand, liv­ing in uncon­di­tional love you are keenly aware of, and accept­ing of real­ity, know­ing full well that shoulds, and coulds will not change it. You real­ize that com­plain­ing about what already is, makes no sense and so you are free to take action now to have your future be dif­fer­ent than present and what it was in the past, fully aware that you can­not change the past itself. Liv­ing in uncon­di­tional love is THE most pow­er­ful and fear free place you can pos­si­bly be in.

Do you have enough guts to do it? Go ahead make my day!




Comments (22)

Ivan Pesic

June 2nd, 2010 at 7:23 PM    





June 6th, 2010 at 7:03 AM    

Can I just clar­ify? with my ex part­ner whom I love and would always feel an inner joy whether we were together or not, I felt we were a cou­ple.… until he would get angry over some­thing I said or did, and would storm off or demand I leave… I would then feel a pain (I know this now as fear) that this would be the end of us.…. in a few days we would be ok… Until our last and final occur­rence as above — when I just knew it was the end of us — I felt some­how relief, instead of fear, it was over… I still have a love for him, he is in another rela­tion­ship now in another coun­try, but still emails from time to time.
I am not clear if the fear of break­ing up was always a bar­rier for us?


June 6th, 2010 at 6:22 PM    

I am not clear if the fear of break­ing up was always a bar­rier for us?“
I don’t know if fear was a bar­rier for both of you, but it cer­tainly seems that it was for you. It also looks that you are free to love him even though he is not with you any more. As you can see it IS pos­si­ble. I don’t really know what was hap­pen­ing between you two, but peo­ple usu­ally get angry because they feel pow­er­less. See what part did you play so that he reacted with anger. What was your part in dis­em­pow­er­ing him? Any­way, congratulations!


June 8th, 2010 at 3:43 PM    

Jupp! After break­ing up for two weeks, my boyfriend and I got together again, after I read and acted out the advices in “The rela­tion­ship saver”.
Our rela­tion­ship is bet­ter than ever, and I am still think­ing about the rules stated in that book and what they did to me. I’m even using those rules at work and among friends, and it works, it really does!!

After read­ing this post on “fear or love”, I also under­stand that another thing which really helps, is that I’m not afraid of loos­ing him any longer. I’ve proven to myself and to him that I do not need him!! And this makes it so much eas­ier to let go of all neg­a­tive thoughts. It also makes me “a stronger part” in our part­ner­ship, and makes me feel more equal to him, which is good, because it really sucks to feel depen­dent of the other per­sons “good­will” to feel loved or not…

Also this thought that love is uncon­di­tional, is very appeal­ing to me. He has often tried to push me to tell him “what I love about him” or “why I love him” — and he makes loooong lists of what he loves about me… My answer, that I just love him for being him, was never good enough for him before, so he kept pres­sur­ing me for answers! But now, I know that lov­ing him just for being, actu­ally IS enough — and that is a very reas­sur­ing feel­ing. And when I told him that true love is uncon­di­tional, and I just love him for being, he cried — which of course just made me love him even more!!

So, thank you for help­ing me see these impor­tant things! You helped me to become a bet­ter per­son, and I’m not afraid anymore!!

shanon sullivan

May 31st, 2011 at 10:22 AM    

My ques­tion is…I have only really heard of this phrase “uncon­di­tional love” when it comes to fam­ily mem­bers or chil­dren. I really have never thought that you can give or get uncon­di­tional love from your partner.

And I am still unsure…because if you say you love some one very deeply…and that love is the deep­est you ever felt…but the lies you have told that person…erases and takes away that love…then my ques­tion is…was the LOVE not unconditional…because to me it sounds like it was not…but how do you get that per­son to love you uncon­di­tional again??

i see now, i am the one in fear…and I see i need to get these books to help me love myself. The inter­est­ing thing is I always thought I had great self esteem and that I loved myself…now I do not think that anymore.


May 31st, 2011 at 11:47 AM    

Please let me clar­ify. I have been told that I was loved very deeply by my boyfriend…but i told him 3 dif­fer­ent lies 3 dif­fer­ent times and he now says he is los­ing his love for me. So..that is not an “uncon­di­tional Love”, right?


May 31st, 2011 at 7:44 PM    

So, you want to be loved uncon­di­tion­ally and in return lie, cheat and deceive?! Interesting?!


May 31st, 2011 at 7:48 PM    

Love is not some­thing you feel, it is some­thing you do.

…how do you get that per­son to love you uncon­di­tional again??
By lov­ing him unconditionally.


June 3rd, 2011 at 6:41 PM    

No, I do not want to lie, cheat or deceive my bf, I got caught up in these lies, but not to cheat or deceive, I had good inten­tions, but of course when it came out it did not seem that way to him. Just like this below com­ment by Ian Percy, it is so spot on in how I felt. I am start­ing to see the light. Thank you for show­ing it to me.

We judge oth­ers by their behav­ior and we judge our selves by our intentions.“


June 13th, 2011 at 9:30 PM    

I have always had fear but i still love my ex. When we were together i would worry if he missed me or not when he would spend time with his friends instead of me. He broke up with me because he said he felt trapped like he had no free­dom and didnt see us hav­ing a future. We were friends for awhile which turned into friends with benifits pretty fast. Of course i was afraid i wouldnt be able to get him back like before or i’d lose him com­pletely. He wanted to spend less and less time with me near the end. Now its over and he says he does not love me any­more but he still says that he did. Now we arnt friends but we still talk at work. I am still afraid that i cant get him to love me again and want to be with me. I never stopped lov­ing him and he knows how i feel so how do i get him to love me again? Is it even possible?


June 16th, 2011 at 8:45 PM    

All of this made so much sense to me. Unlike oth­ers, I did things in the past to wreck our rela­tion­ship, I believe we both did, but I am aware I did the worst. I admit­ted my faults, sought help, got sober and truly changed the per­son I was. After almost three years and mar­riage we have seper­ated after 13 years of being together. He says he can’t for­get what he thought he for­gave me for and he doesn’t thinkhe’s in love with me any­more, but says he still loves me and always will. I know I love him uncon­di­tion­ally because he’s just him. No rea­son. I just love and care for this man no mat­ter what. I see that I have robbed him of power, but I didn’t do it to hurt him. All I know how to do is con­tinue to prove I’m not the same per­son i used to be almost three years ago. But I miss him and I want my life to have him in it, as my hus­band, part­ner and best friend. I under­stand how I hurt him then, but why did he leave now? Is it okay to tell him how I feel, no mater wh


June 21st, 2011 at 11:32 AM    

I found this web­site and started read­ing the arti­cles and blogs because I didn’t know how to get my hus­band back and have him love me again. When he would ask me why I loved him, I didn’t have any rea­sons; I just loved him for being him not any­thing he did or how he made me feel. I just existed in this state of love for him. We have been mar­ried for 10yrs and together for 12yrs, and we have 3 chil­dren. But now he says that he doesn’t love me any­more and cann’t even stand to see me or talk to me. We are seper­ated and he has a girl­friend. I am just in so much pain, and for months I have cried every day not know­ing how I lost his love or what I should do to get on with my life because I just keep hold­ing on think­ing that he would love me again. Is there hope or only heartbreak?


June 30th, 2011 at 10:51 PM    

Dear Danielle,

I’m sorry about what is hap­pen­ing to you. Cry­ing will not help your sit­u­a­tion. Men like self con­fi­dent and happy woman. You seem to be in a com­pletely oposite space. I know, it’s not easy and you have your obvi­ous rea­sons, but there is a way out of it. Because of the peo­ple like you who are in sim­i­lar sit­u­a­tion I have writ­ten the Rela­tion­ship Saver. (


July 13th, 2011 at 5:34 PM    

I have been seper­ated from my hus­band for over a year. Nei­ther of us has filled out paper work for a divorce. I want to be a fam­ily again, but he doesn’t. He says he loves me because I’m the mother of his chil­dren, but not inlove with me. I have tried every­thing to get back together, even try­ing to make him jeal­ous. We have 2 kids 10 and 13. This is very hard on them. some­times when they go to his house for the week­end he invites me to come also. We usu­ally have a good time together and sleep together. Then he turns cold again. I have asked him if he has a girl­friend he always denies it say­ing he doesn’t want another woman in his life. I just don’t know what to think I am so sad I just want my fam­ily back. What can I do? We really can’t afford 2 house­holds and he knows it, but keeps turn­ing me away, when we could do so much bet­ter together. help!!


July 18th, 2011 at 9:36 PM    

Hi Carla,
That is exactly why I wrote The Rela­tion­ship Saver, for peo­ple like you. Please go to


September 19th, 2011 at 3:19 PM    

How about mak­ing him jeal­ous a lit­tle. If he shows that he is jeal­ous, there is a chance. If he is happy for you, gen­uinely so, than it’s over. At least you will know. Some­times a “no” for the answer is bet­ter than liv­ing in an emo­tional limbo.

Abby Sanchez

November 20th, 2011 at 12:42 AM    

Hi, my name is Abby and I have been with my honey Brad for a year and a half now, and every­thing is won­dr­ful when i’m with him. We laugh play enjoy each oth­ers com­pany and every­thing! After­wards though when I’m away from him I feel so scared of los­ing him. He’s the most amaz­ing boy I have ever met.. I love every­thing about him.. when I see him I can’t help but smile. But when I go home or at school I have devel­oped this huge para­noid fear that I’m going to lose him some­how. My mind keeps ask­ing me the ques­tion do you want to break up and I’m like No! Stop! Ask­ing me! I don’t want to! and I hate this vul­ner­a­ble feel­ing and I wanna go back to just being bliss­fully in love with him again and not wor­ry­ing.. that I’ll hurt him and me.


November 22nd, 2011 at 5:04 PM    

Hi Abby,

Fear is on the oposite side of love on the emo­tional spec­trum. Also, fear may very well turn out to be a self ful­fill­ing prophecy. Fol­low­ing your emo­tions blindly is not a very good idea in a rela­tion­ship. It often fin­ishes in a dis­as­ter. The truth is that you WILL fall out of live if you stay together long enough. What will you do then? I’ve writ­ten about this in The Game­less REla­tion­ship that comes as a bonus mate­r­ial with The Rela­tion­ship Saver. You can get both at

Good luck


November 23rd, 2011 at 4:20 PM    

My boyfriend of 9 years broke up with me a year ago. I still love him. He has a new girl­friend, and it pains me to see them together. He said he broke up with me because he did not want to marry me. He said I did not Give him enough “resis­tance”, that I did not stand up for my needs and let him walk all over me. I thought I was act­ing lov­ing; he saw me as too sub­mis­sive. I am heart bro­ken. How can I either get over him, or get him back? I thought we had a very good rela­tion­ship but he obvi­ously didn’t think so oth­er­wise he would not have bro­ken up with me! I learned my les­son. Speak up for your needs in a rela­tion­ship, oth­er­wise the man will walk all over you. Any tips how to get over a breakup? I want my happy back but seem to be obsessed with my ex.


January 30th, 2012 at 10:31 AM    

I pur­chased The Rela­tion­ship Saver this past week­end to help with seri­ous issues with my wife. She has told me that she no longer loves me and that she prob­a­bly will leave come spring when the school year is over. The largest issue seems to be over our his­tory, mostly things that hap­pened 25 years ago (that she brings up all the time). For myself, I really do feel that I have uncon­di­tional love for her but she is so afraid of every­thing. Its almost as if the act of being com­mit­ted is too scary. So my ques­tion is, does it make sense to try to make a scared per­son jeal­ous? I under­stand the agree­ing part and the being happy part (I know I don’t need her but I would like to keep my fam­ily in tact), but things like with­hold­ing say­ing I love her at the end of my notes seems like a lie.

Also — how do you know when to move away from the Rela­tion­ship Saver and start move­ing towards the Game­less Rela­tion­ship? How is this tran­si­tion accomplished?

Thank you — Great web-site & book.


February 4th, 2012 at 11:37 AM    

Mak­ing her jeal­ous could be a two-edged-sword. If she is bent on leav­ing you she will use it as an excuse to do do it. If she wants to stay with you then she will try to fight for you. I don’t have enough info to rec­om­mend either way. As far as with­old­ing say­ing that you love her, you should only do it if you are telling her that you love her in order to keep her. Use The Game­less Rela­tion­ship as a gen­eral gude as to what your rela­tion­ship should look like, some­thing to work towards in your rela­tion­ship. It is meant to be used after you repair your relationship.


August 10th, 2012 at 10:24 AM    

Just stum­bled on this site in search of some writ­ing that relates to my cur­rent expe­ri­ence. I feel like I have this view­point in action, yet it is incon­gru­ous with my ide­al­iza­tions of the world. I can bal­ance these two, as I enjoy the explo­ration of where I want my life to go. How­ever, it seems to cause great strife with peo­ple that I allow in. It stirs up issues with those who get to know me.

Specif­i­cally, rela­tion­ships can prove dif­fi­cult when attempt­ing to express ideals; there is a mis­match to how I encounter and accept the world vs my ide­al­iza­tion of how the world should be. How I should be. To take the world at face value relieves a great bur­den. To accept that real­ity both begins and ends at the inter­face between my per­cep­tion and the world at large helps to relieve the stress that either can play in my life.

It is much eas­ier to take an emo­tion, such as anger, and under­stand it when the emo­tion itself is inter­nal­ized. Rather than attempt­ing to blame the fin­ger that pulls the trig­ger, I must ask why I have a trig­ger that causes anger. This approach, where exter­nal influ­ences only serve as lumi­nary expe­ri­ences which help reveal my inner work­ings, serves as a per­fect tool for con­trol­ling the parts of my per­son­al­ity which I find unsa­vory. The result is that in action, I am a very accept­ing per­son. I am a very lov­ing per­son because I do not blame oth­ers when they rouse in me a neg­a­tive emo­tion. They have given me a won­der­ful oppor­tu­nity to bet­ter myself beyond my cur­rent sta­tus and it cost me noth­ing but time.

The issues arise though when com­mu­ni­cat­ing this to oth­ers, specif­i­cally women who are roman­ti­cally engaged. I find myself con­stantly open and will­ing to become inti­mate with oth­ers through com­pas­sion and shar­ing, yet when con­fronted about my ideals, I come across as a hea­then. I do not value anger, fear, jeal­ousy and other such emo­tions at all. These are parts of human­ity I find despi­ca­ble and thus I try to elim­i­nate them from myself. I have an expec­ta­tion of myself to let these pass as invalid when­ever some­one exter­nal, inten­tional or not, attempts to rouse these emo­tions in me.

The most com­mon issues I encounter is inse­cu­rity spurred by jeal­ousy. Oth­ers will­ingly engage in rela­tion­ships and expect oth­ers (myself included) to limit their love in an effort to cater to their inse­cu­ri­ties and jeal­ousy. I undoubt­edly upset these peo­ple by reject­ing their inse­cu­ri­ties as I can­not inter­nal­ize them. I find it impos­si­ble to accept that point of view, because at its core I reject the trig­ger which causes them to address me in the first place.

This is a very fright­en­ing posi­tion for me because it is not my goal to cause strife in oth­ers. I’m strug­gling to find a stride where this does not affect my thought process but until then, I will sim­ply con­tinue find­ing myself in sit­u­a­tions where I attempt to explain my thought process. For now that’s the only fore­see­able solu­tion but I’m open to other ideas on my situation.

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