Responsibility In Relationships II

What respon­si­bil­ity means in a rela­tion­ship and how we avoid being respon­si­ble unbe­knownst to us. In The Rela­tion­ship Saver and else­where I men­tioned that the only effec­tive way to be respon­si­ble is to take 100% respon­si­bil­ity for your rela­tion­ship. How do you know if you are not being 100% respon­si­ble? Well, there are a few behav­iors that once you rec­og­nize them they will give you a pretty good idea of how respon­si­ble you are. In the coach­ing com­mu­nity we call it RACKETS. What it means is that we pre­tend we are doing the right thing when in fact there is a much more insid­i­ous rea­son for our action:  avoid­ing respon­si­bil­ity at all costs.

And the costs are high. But first, let’s see what a racket is and deal with what we get out of what is called “run­ning a racket.” The def­i­n­i­tion of a racket is: A fixed way of being plus a per­sis­tent complaint.

What is it that you do and what do you get out of run­ning a racket?
–    You are right and your part­ner is wrong.
Read the arti­cle “On Being Right”
–    You try to dom­i­nate or avoid dom­i­na­tion of a sit­u­a­tion or your part­ner.
This may include pres­sure, bul­ly­ing, insist­ing on your point of view, all sub­tle passive/aggressive behav­iors, etc., as well as the “don’t tell me what to do” syn­drome, even avoid­ing the dom­i­na­tion of your own promises. (Read the arti­cle on Integrity In Rela­tion­ships)
–    Your actions are always jus­ti­fied (by you, of course) and your partner’s actions and/or opin­ions are by default inval­i­dated.
We judge oth­ers by their actions. We judge our­selves by our inten­tions.
In short, what we get out of run­ning a racket is avoid respon­si­bil­ity and by default lose power.

You may notice that for most peo­ple this is a default behav­ior, we do not know any dif­fer­ent. But, the big ques­tion is: are we aware of the COST? Do you know what the costs are? I bet you don’t — these are very obvi­ous so here they are:
–    Love and inti­macy
Love starts with com­plete accep­tance of your part­ner (read the arti­cle on Love In Rela­tion­ships in this blog) and inti­macy is free­dom and the abil­ity to safely com­mu­ni­cate what­ever you are present to at the moment
–    Full self-expression
This means being free to be your­self at your best with­out hav­ing to jus­tify, defend, sur­vive, or in any way com­pro­mise your integrity (read the arti­cle on Integrity In Rela­tion­ships)
–    Health and vital­ity
You know how you feel when your rela­tion­ship isn’t work­ing. It can lit­er­ally make you sick. Depres­sion is another option. Vital­ity is nonexistent.

And now that you know what it costs you to run a racket you may try to become more aware of what comes out of your mouth pre­ceded by your thoughts. In order to become aware here is how to rec­og­nize if you are run­ning a racket or not:  When­ever you are frus­trated or upset and that state of mind is famil­iar to you, you think, “it always hap­pens,” you may be sure that you are run­ning a racket.

Run­ning a racket and thus pass­ing on the respon­si­bil­ity to oth­ers, cir­cum­stances and/or the envi­ron­ment is the best way to lose power and con­trol of your life and a say-so in your relationship.

Please also note that run­ning a racket is an instinc­tual, knee-jerk reac­tion and totally counter-intuitive. Nev­er­the­less, it is a nec­es­sary com­po­nent of your hap­pi­ness in a happy and game­less rela­tion­ship to be prac­ticed on a moment-to-moment basis until it becomes your sec­ond nature and you can stop a racket in its tracks, even before it man­i­fests itself in lan­guage and behavior.

Absence of rack­ets in your life guar­an­tees hap­pier per­sonal life, stronger rela­tion­ships, huge leaps for­ward in your per­sonal devel­op­ment and valu­able con­tri­bu­tion to others.




Comments (4)

Cash Advance Store Locator

April 28th, 2011 at 6:58 PM    

Greet­ings from Ohio! I’m bored to tears at work so I decided to browse your web­site on my iphone dur­ing lunch break. I really like the infor­ma­tion you present here and can’t wait to take a look when I get home. I’m shocked at how quick your blog loaded on my mobile .. I’m not even using WIFI, just 3G .. Any­ways, good blog!

Fast Short Term Loans

May 1st, 2011 at 9:48 PM    

Hello! I real­ize this is sort of off-topic but I needed to ask. Does oper­at­ing a well-established blog like yours take a lot of work? I’m com­pletely new to writ­ing a blog how­ever I do write in my diary on a daily basis. I’d like to start a blog so I can eas­ily share my per­sonal expe­ri­ence and feel­ings online. Please let me know if you have any ideas or tips for brand new aspir­ing blog own­ers. Appre­ci­ate it!

Steve Ross

October 26th, 2011 at 7:48 PM    

I must say Radomir — inter­est­ing con­cept to wrap my mind around! But the pay­off looks too great to resist! Seduc­tive to say the least that we can rid our­selves of all our excuses with respon­si­ble action.
So a “com­plaint” is some­thing that doesn’t exist – it’s a whinge about why some­thing should be a cer­tain way, a view which we will main­tain at the expense of what really is.
And a racket is a mech­a­nism, an excuse to main­tain this illu­sion? So we run rack­ets to look good. If that is all about — what fol­lows is that when we don’t need to:
1/ Insist on being “right” there­fore other per­son wrong – “even­num­bered­ness”.
2/ Dom­i­neer the other per­son.
3/ Con­stantly jus­ti­fy­ing ones posi­tion / view­point – “even­num­bered­ness” again.
We can get closer to the truth or at least our inter­pre­ta­tion of the truth is less biased.
So if we give up our rack­ets — our way of being — our posi­tions, we can con­sider more of what is out there. The ques­tion I pose is how do you get out of your rack­ets which char­ac­terise you – or are you?


October 30th, 2011 at 12:52 PM    

I am not sure what you mean that racket’s car­ac­ter­ize you. Yes, they do, unfor­tu­nately. Is that what you want? To be iden­ti­fied with your rack­ets. Do you really want your iden­tity to be dis­tin­guished by your rack­ets. If that’s how you want to achieve your sta­tus of being dif­fer­ent and spe­cial, so be it. But if you don’t than PRACTICE until you are able stop run­ning rack­ets BEFORE you do. Strive towards 100% integrity, I’d say. Life looks very dif­fer­ent at that level.

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