Responsibility In Relationships I

This should have been my first entry, but since the issue of respon­si­bil­ity is time­less this may be just as good a time as any to bring it up and clear some air about rela­tion­ships in gen­eral, and your rela­tion­ships and my writ­ing in par­tic­u­lar. So, since you are read­ing this blog I’ll make it about you. Let’s con­sider that the qual­ity of your rela­tion­ship has NOTHING to do with your part­ner and EVERYTHING to do with YOU. In other words you are the one who is 100% respon­si­ble and has the say-so how it goes for you. This, of course is not the truth, but I invite you to start act­ing as if it is and notice what mag­ick may occur.

Now, how resis­tant are you to this notion? Take a lit­tle time and think about it. Does it empower you or does it DIS­em­power you?

Before you try to answer this ques­tion a few words about respon­si­bil­ity. When I say 100% respon­si­ble we need to be on the same page, i.e. we need to agree what is meant by respon­si­bil­ity. In this con­text what I mean by respon­si­bil­ity is NOT bur­den, fault, blame, credit, shame or guilt. Respon­si­bil­ity sim­ply starts with say­ing you are cause in the mat­ter and that you are able to choose a response. You may not be able to choose what hap­pens, but you are always able to choose how you will respond to it as opposed to sim­ply auto­mat­i­cally react to an event or a sit­u­a­tion. In tak­ing such respon­si­bil­ity there is no eval­u­a­tion of good or bad, right or wrong. There is only the stand that you take and the real­ity of what is.

Being respon­si­ble starts with the will­ing­ness to deal with a sit­u­a­tion from the point of view that you are the gen­er­a­tor of who you are, what you do  (how you choose to respond) and what you have. Again, that is not the truth. It is just a place to stand.

Now, in this con­text does being respon­si­ble make you more or less in con­trol of your life? Is being respon­si­ble an empow­er­ing way to be?

Take every chance to be responsible.

Best regards,


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Comments (9)

Joseph Dowdy

July 10th, 2009 at 8:36 PM    

Well, it’s good that I am 100% respon­si­ble because that means I have the author­ity in the rela­tion­ship to do some­thing about what­ever I com­plain about.


July 16th, 2009 at 6:34 AM    

I can rec­om­mend Rela­tion­ship­Saver. It’s all good sense. I really do think it’s time to stop run­ning away and tak­ing all your stuff into another and another rela­tion­ship. Stick with the one you have. Under­stand it, learn from it, move for­ward with it. It will lead to a very deep under­stand­ing of your­self, what you do, why you do it, how it impacts on oth­ers. It works. You can help yourself.


July 16th, 2009 at 11:16 AM    

Thank you Rachel. This is exactly what I wanted to con­vey in The Rela­tion­ship Saver. Peo­ple are look­ing for the “sole mate”, the per­fect one. Whether some­one is per­fect or faulty is most often our own pro­jec­tion that we see in oth­ers. So, look­ing out­side to find sat­is­fac­tion inside your­self is a futile attempt. Per­fec­tion and imper­fec­tion resides in our self as our own shadow. With very few excep­tions i.e. an abu­sive rela­tion­ship, our happy rela­tion­ship is right in front of us, with the rela­tion­ship we already have.

If you want to find out more about shadow, this would be a good place:


July 16th, 2009 at 11:18 AM    

10 and ½ years of mar­riage, almost com­pletely lost. I had com­pletely for­got who my wife is, I never intended to hurt her or neglect her; but I did. Through out our mar­riage as a whole, I have been mean, and it must have seemed that I hated my life. The truth is, I have been dead inside for way to long. She has been this won­der­ful, lov­ing, car­ing, awe­some per­son. I didn’t treat her like she was. Instead I treated her like I hated every­thing. This is so unfair to her. She deserves bet­ter. I can only hope and pray that she will let me make it up to her, and let me be the type of man that I want to be and that she deserves. All I want in this world is for her to be happy and to feel loved. I only want her, noth­ing else in this world will do. She truly is my love, my true love. I wish a thou­sand times that a sim­ple “I’m sorry” could fix what I have done. It can’t, that hurts me so much, I can’t eat, breathe or sleep. 10 years I have fucked up, yet she has stayed. I can’t fig­ure out why, I am so grate­ful that she is still here.

I know deep down that I do not deserve a sec­ond look. The way I have acted. The things I have done. The things I have said. I have been a com­plete and total ass­hole. She never deserved any of it. But I was there giv­ing it to her, by the bucket full. If noth­ing else learn from where I have went wrong, read this and take a look at your­self! Find out if your treat­ing your wife with love and respect!

If you are still read­ing, and won­der­ing to your self when? Now dumb ass the time is now. Fix your self before it is too late. The pain the heart ache of los­ing your whole life over some­thing stu­pid like money is not worth it. My wife has always told me she could be happy in a mud hut, and you know what? She could be! She could be as happy as a clam if I was lov­ing her and respect­ing her. Cher­ish your wife. Tell her every­day how won­der­ful and great you think she is! Do it now! Stop read­ing this and go find her, hug her kiss her! And say I LOVE YOU!! To her. Tell her all the won­der­ful thoughts that you have about her through out your day! Please lis­ten to this take this to heart and learn from my mis­takes! For me it just may be to lit­tle to late! I pray every­day that this can be saved. That she will give me one last chance. I have seen the “light” I am ready to step up and do what I should have been doing all along. I love her so much, that the thought of not hav­ing her is killing me!

Still read­ing? The copy this and paste it into an email, send it to all the guys you know, make sure that they can learn from me. If I have to a exam­ple of what not to do, then so be it. If I can save some­one else from fuck­ing it all up! GOOD! This pain I have inside sucks. It really really sucks. I have to own it though, it is mine. I have messed this all up. I have to spend the rest of my life deal­ing with what I have done to this won­der­ful, beau­ti­ful woman. And for that I am sorry, I am so sorry that I have been the way that I have been. I have often given her rea­son to won­der if I had been faith­ful. I have made her feel lower than dirt. I have hurt her in so many ways. Again I am sorry. But the love I have for her is so large.

There is no sim­ply way for me to express how much I love this woman. She is so won­der­ful, she almost always puts every­one else first. She is such a good mother, she has had to deal with so many prob­lems with our chil­dren all alone. Because I wasn’t avail­able. I had put my job first. Read these words out loud and hear what I am say­ing. FAMILY COMES FIRST!!!!!!! Put your fam­ily first. Money don’t mean shit if your all alone. At the end of the day who do you want to go home to? A won­der­ful lov­ing per­son, or a stack of money? You really should not have to think about that. I had made the mis­take for way to long, I thought that by going to work and earn­ing the money that I was doing enough. I was even pig­gish in my ways think­ing that she could man­age a house on her own. How stu­pid was I? again “sorry” doesn’t even began to fix my wrongs. But it is all I can think to say.

Take a good step back and look at your­self. Is she nag­ging or is she ask­ing is she beg­ging for some­thing so sim­ple that you don’t even really have to think about what your doing. Your wife is not nag­ging god damn it. She is cry­ing out to you, she wants you to love her, she wants to know that you respect her! So do it damn it just fuck­ing get off your lazy ass and fuck­ing show her how great you think she is.

Had enough? I am not done by any means. Lis­ten to what your wife has to say. She knows what the fuck she is say­ing and she has already done research to back that shit up. Yes as a man you must think that you know it all, trust me you silly ass, you don’t.

Do the lit­tle things! Leave her lit­tle love notes a yel­low stick­ies in silly places. She likes that. Trust me. I haven’t done it, wish like hell I had. I can only hope that I can fix myself quick enough.

Don’t make your wife turn into mommy! Been there done that. Though I never intended for it to be that way. It hap­pened. Check your­self. Own your mis­takes. Talk to your wife. If only I had invested my time talk­ing to my wife. If only I could go back and take the 2 min­utes at bed time. Instead of bitch­ing about being tired and have to get up early. Just fuck­ing talk to her. She deserves it.

Make sure to tell her how pretty she is. Another of a long list of mis­takes I have made. It only takes like ½ a sec­ond to say it. Maybe 2 sec­onds if you want to embell­ish. Take the time. Take the time. Take the time. TAKE THE TIME!!!

Take the time in the morn­ing to make sure she feels loved. To fuss at her for want­ing to talk. You are the first per­son she sees when she opens her eyes, and all she want to do is say I love you a bunch of times. Don’t fuck­ing cuss her out for that. Tell her right back. Tell her aw thank you hunny that made my day. Not god damn it now my whole day is fucked because I spent 5 fuck­ing sec­onds say­ing iloveyou. Learn from me. Reap the rewards of this infor­ma­tion. Be a bet­ter hus­band to your wife. Its not hard. It really is quite easy to do. Fight­ing is not worth any­thing. I am so fuck­ing done with fight­ing. You need to be too!

Please if you are a woman read­ing this, print it out for your hus­band or boyfriend. I am a 35 year old man, and I may have lost every­thing! And I want to help as many men as pos­si­ble not lose it all aswell.

part 1 a revelation.

i just real­ized this past fri­day that i have been dead for 22 years. i have been angry, or anger was the only emo­tion that i would show my fam­ily, friends or any­one that met me. this stems from many things and i have found the 3 biggest rea­sons for my actions of the past. i wish like hell that a sim­ple sorry could fix any of it. but nope it can’t.

rea­son 1 i was molested. i had all my con­tol taken away and i didn’t feel like i had a safe place to go. i had no where to turn, i had to carry this bur­don on my own. i had thought that i had put this away nice and neat and had delt with it. nope i sure didn’t.

rea­son 2 i never was close to my father. he lived in the same house and all, and he was a good dad. he did nice stuff for me. but we just weren’t close. we were not bud­dies. then when we did get close and become friends he died 4 yeaars later. so he is dead and i can’t talk to him about any of these things.

rea­son 3 my ex..she saved my life. lit­er­aly. yet she wronged me in the worst way ever. and i have not delt with that either.

all in all i have not delt with any­thing that has ever gone wrong in my life.

not this time. this time i am going to take the hard road.

part 2 a realization

i have most likely ruined the one good thing that i have ever had. again wish­ing sorry was good enough. i know its not. i have only shown her hated and dis­like. she never deserved any of it. and none of it is her fault. i can only hope that its not to late. but most likely it surely is. i know i dont’ desrve a chance. she gave me 10 years. to bad for me it was ten years of me being blind and dead. i am so done with anger. anger has never got me any­thing. and now i am done. i am happy that this is hap­pen­ing to me. now i see so clear­lly and know what i have to do to fix what is messed up with me so i can be a bet­ter per­son. so thank you for this.


August 7th, 2009 at 1:11 AM    

Hope­less­ness and despair are fatal. Never give up hope and don’t despair. If you tru­ely want some­thing, imag­ine you already have it, exactly the way you want it to be. It fol­lows on that then you will then start behav­ing in the way you need to and you might stop doing things that have proved not to work.
It sounds sort of self­ish but I don’t think it is…because it’s ben­e­fi­cial for every­one, and it ties in with lov­ing your­self per­haps. Love is a verb. It’s not what you think or feel, it’s what you DO that cre­ates the feel­ings and thoughts of love. If you sit and look at some­one and think I want to hug them, but don’t…then how can they know you want to hug them? If you actu­ally get up and hug them…then they do know and feel you lov­ing them…and you feel it too…


August 7th, 2009 at 7:37 AM    

Thank you Mat. Very pow­er­ful. I wish every­one would read your com­ment. And … congratulations!

Lelah Suozzi

April 25th, 2011 at 2:23 AM    

Thank you for shar­ing your stuff on blog. it is prob­a­bly that we have sim­i­lar inter­ests. some­thing are very help­ful to me.

Cathryn Wessels

April 25th, 2011 at 1:10 PM    

The fol­low­ing time I read a blog, I hope that it doesnt dis­ap­point me as much as this one. I imply, I do know it was my option to learn, but I truly thought youd have one thing attention-grabbing to say. All I hear is a bunch of whin­ing about some­thing that you pos­si­bly can fix in case you wer­ent too busy look­ing for attention.

Jon Mcguff

April 26th, 2011 at 4:51 AM    

Hello there! I could have sworn I’ve been to this site before but after brows­ing through some of the post I real­ized it’s new to me. Any­ways, I’m def­i­nitely happy I found it and I’ll be book-marking and check­ing back frequently!

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