Selfishness And Sacrifice In A Relationship

My daughter’s friend Edan asked me to write a blog entry with the title theme. So here it is. These ques­tions often arise in a rela­tion­ship. Am I being too self­ish, or should I be more self­ish? Or, what do I sac­ri­fice in this rela­tion­ship and should I?

When­ever you ask one of these or sim­i­lar ques­tions, you may be sure that your rela­tion­ship needs some work. When I say that your rela­tion­ship needs work what that usu­ally means that it is you who needs to sort some things out for your­self, like what are you afraid of, are you being abused in any way, are you clear on your val­ues, what do you tol­er­ate and what are your bound­aries. You may not even be famil­iar with what these terms really mean, let alone being aware of them in a time of dis­agree­ment and conflict.

If you want to have a suc­cess­ful rela­tion­ship, you must start with your­self and take care of your­self first. Being self­ish in that way is not only okay, but also nec­es­sary for a healthy rela­tion­ship. Sac­ri­fic­ing your own hap­pi­ness to make your part­ner happy is NOT the way to go. Sac­ri­fic­ing any­thing means dimin­ish­ing your­self in some way; the ulti­mate being your life. How can you make any­one happy by sac­ri­fic­ing your­self? Your hap­pi­ness comes first. If you think that is self­ish, so be it, be self­ish. It works the other way round too; to be happy at some­one else’s expense does not work either. You must have no regrets at any time; oth­er­wise, it is very easy to fall into a blam­ing game. This is an integrity issue. See the post Integrity In Rela­tion­ships.

Regret­ting some­thing means that you have sac­ri­ficed some­thing. Now, there is an impor­tant point to under­stand here: you must be able to take 100% respon­si­bil­ity for what­ever hap­pens to you. (Notice that I did not say blame, fault, shame or guilt.) Respon­si­bil­ity is to be able to respond appro­pri­ately. You may not be respon­si­ble for what hap­pens out there; although if you look deep enough it may have some­thing to do with you, after all. It takes two to tango – you do have a choice how to inter­pret an event and what you make it mean. See the post in this blog The Mean­ing And Real­ity.

In The Game­less Rela­tion­ship I explain in detail the 4 prin­ci­ples of a per­fect rela­tion­ship. If you take a lit­tle time to read it, it will explain in detail the dif­fer­ence between “me, me, me” vs. “us” and that sac­ri­fice has no place in a happy relationship.

Be happy!


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Comments (4)


September 22nd, 2009 at 12:22 AM    

All your blog post­ings are great.
My last two boyfriends have both told me I’m self­ish after I’ve bro­ken up with them. I am not a self­ish per­son (the oppo­site — I have been too easy going in rela­tion­ships) and just try­ing to assert myself (say if I don’t want to do some­thing). I think they mean I do not give enough in a rela­tion­ship. In hind­sight I am so cau­tious and unsure I hold back.
Both lasted 3 months and the last had great qual­i­ties but I just did not feel enough and didn’t find him attrac­tive — I am sad now because I want it to work but I find it too hard to com­mit to going back. What can I do?


September 22nd, 2009 at 2:05 PM    

I think you already know the answer. You said it, you seem to lack real self-confidence, so you act it out and it looks inau­then­tic and selfish.

Best regards,


Leandra Polan

April 26th, 2011 at 4:25 AM    

You made some first rate points there. I regarded on the web for the prob­lem and found most indi­vid­u­als will go along with together with your website.

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April 26th, 2011 at 11:21 AM    

I must say this con­tent was worth it to read. I found you hav­ing a google search and was rather astounded by your rank for this article.

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