My daughter’s friend Edan asked me to write a blog entry with the title theme. So here it is. These questions often arise in a relationship. Am I being too selfish, or should I be more selfish? Or, what do I sacrifice in this relationship and should I?
Whenever you ask one of these or similar questions, you may be sure that your relationship needs some work. When I say that your relationship needs work what that usually means that it is you who needs to sort some things out for yourself, like what are you afraid of, are you being abused in any way, are you clear on your values, what do you tolerate and what are your boundaries. You may not even be familiar with what these terms really mean, let alone being aware of them in a time of disagreement and conflict.
If you want to have a successful relationship, you must start with yourself and take care of yourself first. Being selfish in that way is not only okay, but also necessary for a healthy relationship. Sacrificing your own happiness to make your partner happy is NOT the way to go. Sacrificing anything means diminishing yourself in some way; the ultimate being your life. How can you make anyone happy by sacrificing yourself? Your happiness comes first. If you think that is selfish, so be it, be selfish. It works the other way round too; to be happy at someone else’s expense does not work either. You must have no regrets at any time; otherwise, it is very easy to fall into a blaming game. This is an integrity issue. See the post Integrity In Relationships.
Regretting something means that you have sacrificed something. Now, there is an important point to understand here: you must be able to take 100% responsibility for whatever happens to you. (Notice that I did not say blame, fault, shame or guilt.) Responsibility is to be able to respond appropriately. You may not be responsible for what happens out there; although if you look deep enough it may have something to do with you, after all. It takes two to tango – you do have a choice how to interpret an event and what you make it mean. See the post in this blog The Meaning And Reality.
In The Gameless Relationship http://www.GamelessRelationship.com/ I explain in detail the 4 principles of a perfect relationship. If you take a little time to read it, it will explain in detail the difference between “me, me, me” vs. “us” and that sacrifice has no place in a happy relationship.
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