How important sex is in a relationship? It is as important as it is for each individual in a relationship. Generally speaking it is more important for a man than for a woman and it is more important when one is young then when one gets older. Of course, these are just generalizations. It depends on the circumstances and on one’s state of being.
Having said that, I would like to bring forth the importance of sex and its overwhelming influence in our lives. The sexual impulse is one of the most overwhelming forces we can experience. (Just think of an orgasm. We often say that something is almost as good as orgasm, implying that there is nothing better that can happen to us.) The drive to procreate seems to be a physical expression of the evolutionary impulse behind this entire universe. What could be more powerful than that? Humans are conscious beings, probably the only ones on this planet. Consciousness is the universe’s way of becoming aware of itself and it is manifested in humans. A powerful sexual drive is a guarantee that consciousness will live on and evolve. Therefore, it had better be THE most powerful force at least among humans. Andrew Cohen the editor of EnlightenNext magazine said: “When any of us feels the stirring of the sexual impulse within our own body and mind, we are feeling, at a biological level some creative surge that propelled something from nothing fourteen billion years ago. But, of course, in our lack of humility, too many of us underestimate the power of what we’re actually dealing with, and it’s easy to see why we often lose our balance in this arena.” In other words, the force of a sexual impulse is so strong that an attempt to control it is almost always futile, or it takes such a rigorous training to control it that only a few ever take it on, mostly encouraged and motivated by possible achievement of higher stages of consciousness or even enlightenment; the most commonly known practitioners being celibate priests, nuns and tantric yogis.
Realization and acknowledgment of the enormous power of sexual impulse over our lives is the first and probably the most important step towards understanding how and why our relationships function. Since sexual drive of such enormous power is programmed into our genetic code we are mostly unaware of it and so our behaviors that stem from those impulses are not under our control at all. We operate like robots, on automatic. Not that there is anything wrong with that; I am not proposing that you attempt to get rid of sexual desires. On the contrary, I would encourage the full expression of them. The problem arises when MOST of our behavior in a relationship stems from our sexual drive unbeknownst to us, which leaves us in total confusion when things go wrong.
Some examples of obvious sexual influences in our lives are behaviors stemming from courtship, flirting and jealousy. Being fashionable and the desire to “look good” are some behaviors that are not so obviously sexually related. Some people will rationalize their desire to be fashionable by saying that they feel more comfortable or “good” by wearing the attractive clothes when the real intention is to be attractive to the opposite sex. For men, to be rich and powerful has its basis in sexual attraction. For women, it means being attractive. I do not want to sound Freudian but almost all our drives and reasons for doing things can be traced to sex or rather to recreational instincts deeply seated in our genetic structure. All this may sound very discouraging and demeaning. You may think that there is much more to life than sex, and I would agree with you. All I want you to do is to embrace the possibility that sexual and procreational power is almost omnipotent and that it pervades the majority of our day-to-day actions. To the extent that you notice how much you are driven by reasons of sex even if not so obvious or direct, you can have fun with it, have more control and power over your actions, develop more compassion towards others and start accepting people for what they are and for what they are not. In other words you will live and experience love more often. Now “Go forth and multiply”, or just enjoy it.