How impor­tant sex is in a rela­tion­ship? It is as impor­tant as it is for each indi­vid­ual in a rela­tion­ship. Gen­er­ally speak­ing it is more impor­tant for a man than for a woman and it is more impor­tant when one is young then when one gets older. Of course, these are just gen­er­al­iza­tions. It depends on the cir­cum­stances and on one’s state of being.

Hav­ing said that, I would like to bring forth the impor­tance of sex and its over­whelm­ing influ­ence in our lives. The sex­ual impulse is one of the most over­whelm­ing forces we can expe­ri­ence. (Just think of an orgasm. We often say that some­thing is almost as good as orgasm, imply­ing that there is noth­ing bet­ter that can hap­pen to us.) The drive to pro­cre­ate seems to be a phys­i­cal expres­sion of the evo­lu­tion­ary impulse behind this entire uni­verse. What could be more pow­er­ful than that?  Humans are con­scious beings, prob­a­bly the only ones on this planet. Con­scious­ness is the universe’s way of becom­ing aware of itself and it is man­i­fested in humans.  A pow­er­ful sex­ual drive is a guar­an­tee that con­scious­ness will live on and evolve. There­fore, it had bet­ter be THE most pow­er­ful force at least among humans.  Andrew Cohen the edi­tor of Enlighten­Next mag­a­zine said: “When any of us feels the stir­ring of the sex­ual impulse within our own body and mind, we are feel­ing, at a bio­log­i­cal level some cre­ative surge that pro­pelled some­thing from noth­ing four­teen bil­lion years ago. But, of course, in our lack of humil­ity, too many of us under­es­ti­mate the power of what we’re actu­ally deal­ing with, and it’s easy to see why we often lose our bal­ance in this arena.” In other words, the force of a sex­ual impulse is so strong that an attempt to con­trol it is almost always futile, or it takes such a rig­or­ous train­ing to con­trol it that only a few ever take it on, mostly encour­aged and moti­vated by pos­si­ble achieve­ment of higher stages of con­scious­ness or even enlight­en­ment; the most com­monly known prac­ti­tion­ers being celi­bate priests, nuns and tantric yogis.

Real­iza­tion and acknowl­edg­ment of the enor­mous power of sex­ual impulse over our lives is the first and prob­a­bly the most impor­tant step towards under­stand­ing how and why our rela­tion­ships func­tion. Since sex­ual drive of such enor­mous power is pro­grammed into our genetic code we are mostly unaware of it and so our behav­iors that stem from those impulses are not under our con­trol at all. We oper­ate like robots, on auto­matic. Not that there is any­thing wrong with that; I am not propos­ing that you attempt to get rid of sex­ual desires. On the con­trary, I would encour­age the full expres­sion of them. The prob­lem arises when MOST of our behav­ior in a rela­tion­ship stems from our sex­ual drive unbe­knownst to us, which leaves us in total con­fu­sion when things go wrong.

Some exam­ples of obvi­ous sex­ual influ­ences in our lives are behav­iors stem­ming from courtship, flirt­ing and jeal­ousy. Being fash­ion­able and the desire to “look good” are some behav­iors that are not so obvi­ously sex­u­ally related. Some peo­ple will ratio­nal­ize their desire to be fash­ion­able by say­ing that they feel more com­fort­able or “good” by wear­ing the attrac­tive clothes when the real inten­tion is to be attrac­tive to the oppo­site sex. For men, to be rich and pow­er­ful has its basis in sex­ual attrac­tion.  For women, it means being attrac­tive. I do not want to sound Freudian but almost all our dri­ves and rea­sons for doing things can be traced to sex or rather to recre­ational instincts deeply seated in our genetic struc­ture. All this may sound very dis­cour­ag­ing and demean­ing. You may think that there is much more to life than sex, and I would agree with you. All I want you to do is to embrace the pos­si­bil­ity that sex­ual and pro­cre­ational power is almost omnipo­tent and that it per­vades the major­ity of our day-to-day actions. To the extent that you notice how much you are dri­ven by rea­sons of sex even if not so obvi­ous or direct, you can have fun with it, have more con­trol and power over your actions, develop more com­pas­sion towards oth­ers and start accept­ing peo­ple for what they are and for what they are not. In other words you will live and expe­ri­ence love more often.  Now “Go forth and  mul­ti­ply”, or just enjoy it.


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