A while ago I was interviewed by a journalist from South Africa by e-mail about teenage relationships. I thought you may like it … and hope to get you inspired to comment or ask questions. So, here it is:
Lita Fifield-Weaver wrote:
Thank you for letting me ask you some questions, sorry I can’t ring as I live in New Zealand.
1. What common thread do you see in failing relationships?
“All happy families are alike, but an unhappy family is unhappy after its own fashion.“
Leo Tolstoy (1828 — 1910)
Lack of the basic Four Principles that must be present in every healthy and successful relationship: integrity, sense of responsibility, commitment and love. (To find out more about these I enclose my book The Gameless Relationship) There are as many reasons as there are people as to why they are not able to keep the afore mentioned principles in their lives. Reasons vary from immaturity to alcoholism, personal beliefs acquired while growing up to present life conditions, getting together for the wrong reasons and abusive relationships. Feel free to make up your own.
2. Is there a downside to helping people with relationships?
No, if you rigorously support them in developing the Four Principles. It happens often enough, though that people realize that both of them would be better off if they split up. That does not mean that they have to be strangers or enemies. People who do not understand the Four Principles as well as the profound differences between masculine and feminine nature should not barge into other people’s relationships.
3. What methods do you use to help couples or individuals with their relationships?
I don’t think that I am using any particular method. I am a personal coach. So, after having a conversation with people I usually very quickly get to the bottom of the problem and sometimes have to use certain methods to remove the barriers to their awareness to what is really going on and what kind of games they play. I find that a lack of self esteem and ingrained beliefs are most common cause of problems.
4. You have a daughter, does she, or did she come to you for help with her relationships?
Yes, and I am proud of it. Whenever she asks for help I have to put my “coaching hat” on, stop being a father (which is not easy) and become a coach. So far I have succeeded, and so has she.
5. Have you used your own skills to improve your relationship?
Lately, yes, but, I wish I knew 20 years ago what I know now .
6. Are there certain personality types which are more suited to establishing a long-term relationship in life?
I don’t believe so, contrary, I am sure, to so many astrologers, and typologists.
7. What are the advantages of a long term relationship early on in life?
I don’t see any. Men are ready when they are ready and women are ready (for very different reasons) when they are. It is important that person is mature and willing. For some people it happens at 16 and for some never.
8. Is it more common that in some cultures people get married when they are older rather than younger?
It looks like that people in the West get in long term relationships later in life. Family bonds and family support in the West are much weaker, so people have to rely more on their own personal strength to sustain a healthy relationship, and that comes only with a certain level of maturity.
9. What do you believe is your biggest success in life? Why?
I stopped smoking in 1983 after 20 years of smoking 3 packs a day. To beat addiction of any kind is the biggest success that one can have, in my opinion.
10. Is there any advice your regret giving someone? Why?
I do not regret any because, luckily, people never listened to my bad advice. I am much better at it nowadays.
11. You want your clients to be at their best at al times,
Everybody is ALWAYS at their best. That is the law of reality. People would always do better if they could. So they are always perfect exactly the way they are and exactly the way they are not, NOW. (Please see The Gameless Relationship chapter on Love)
12. But how do you manifest your best?
You always do. The question is who you are going to be NEXT?
13. Have you dealt with arranged marriages/relationships in your travelling to Kuwait, Yugoslavia and the United States, what barriers did you have to over come in these circumstances?
In many cases, especially in tribal and closed societies arranged marriages work well. If they don’t, the people who had arranged the marriages did not see the possible pitfalls. In a fast changing world as it is today it is very difficult to predict the circumstances which may influence people to change.
14. What are you opinions on teenage relationships?
It is only natural that teenagers will form relationships. It is a parental duty to educate their teenagers. This is mostly done by the example of their relationship with each other and their family members, strangers, and most importantly by having a great relationship with their children from day one. If they leave it until the time the children become teenagers, it is more often than not too late. The problem is that the knowledge that the parents have about relationships is what they’ve learned from THEIR parents which may not be very helpful two generations later.
15. Do you believe that teen relationships are a distraction? Why/why not?
Distraction from what? School, maybe, life, no.
16. What is a healthy relationship?
We usually know when we see one: people are happy, free, fully self expressed, fulfilled, love is present, etc. In other words they have the Four Principles as a part of their life, although they may even not know it if you ask them about it.
17. Looking back now, would you change anything about your life?
No, life is perfect exactly as it is and it is perfect exactly as it is not.
The Relationship Saver