One of the main strategies for repairing your relationship that I mention in The Relationship Saver is that you must ALWAYS agree with your partner. This statement may cause you to immediately reject my suggestion, mainly for the reason of pride and self-respect. Here are some examples of what may be going through your mind:
- Why would I agree to a break-up if I don’t want it?
- How can I agree with her when she is wrong?
- If I agree to a divorce it will ruin our family and kids, and I will be just as responsible for a break up as he is and I am not the one who wants to leave, he is.
- I don’t want the separation, and if I agree it will make it easy for him to leave.
- I cannot lie and pretend. I am an honest person.
- Only people without their own opinion and of a weak character always go along with whatever others want. I am not like that. No one tells me what to do.
- Please add your own….
Whatever reasons you may have for not agreeing, it will make things even worse, and why agreeing with your partner will not only produce the results that you want, but also make you stronger, more respected and more desirable to be with.
First, let me make one thing clear: you may be thinking that you don’t want to ”play games,” that it is not honest to say what you do not mean, which it is basically called lying. May I remind you: you have been playing games all along and you probably were not even aware of it. Your game playing has brought your relationship to this place. You may not agree with me about this, but if you look deep enough, you will see that your behavior was not always appropriate. Think about the times when you were making him wrong, disrespecting him, pushing and insisting, invalidating his efforts and trying to control the situation. Yes you were playing games, and unless you start playing a different game nothing will change. You can stop playing games when your relationship gets back on the right track again, or when you start a new relationship. In the meantime, you must change the rules of the game and give your partner a chance to react to the different you. And, react he will.
Think about this: when you are confronted with a choice between being honest and being kind in any particular situation, which one would you choose most of the time? If you are an honest person you may choose to rather be honest. If you do, you may be opting to spend the rest of your life alone. Being honest is in at least 80% of cases inconsiderate, disrespectful, selfish, self-centered, egocentric and such, thus alienating people left and right. Yes, sometimes you must be honest. Communicating how you feel, or getting others to see the reality of the situation is sometimes not only beneficial but necessary, although not always pleasant or kind. But you can do that only with people with whom you are on the same page, who you agree with, who respect your opinion and who are ready and willing to listen. Otherwise, you may just as well be talking to the walls.
On the other hand, kindness requires respect for other’s point of view. Whenever you disagree with someone you make them WRONG. It makes no difference if you know you are right. Your partner thinks she is right too, thus the disagreement. No one likes to be made wrong and it certainly does not lead to reconciliation. If you’d rather be right than have your relationship back then go ahead. But if you want to get your partner back, AGREE with her about EVERYTHING. And when I say agree, I do not mean to agree with him just because he would like you to. What I mean is that you trust that his idea, for example to break up, is a good one. Say so. See a bright side to it. Tell her that it would be a great opportunity for both of you to see other people and date again. And don’t just say it, go out and do it. What kind of reaction do you think it may produce? He will be flying back to your arms as soon as he sees that others are interested in you. Think about what you would do in that situation. He would do the same. We are all human. Well, it’s a game. If it’s worth playing, it’s worth playing well.
Only your best will be sufficient.
By the way, I have never seen a women leave a man who always cheerfully agrees with her (an vice versa). Keep that in mind.