To Agree Or Not To Agree? That Is The Question.

One of the main strate­gies for repair­ing your rela­tion­ship that I men­tion in The Rela­tion­ship Saver is that you must ALWAYS agree with your part­ner. This state­ment may cause you to imme­di­ately reject my sug­ges­tion, mainly for the rea­son of pride and self-respect.  Here are some exam­ples of what may be going through your mind:

- Why would I agree to a break-up if I don’t want it?

- How can I agree with her when she is wrong?

- If I agree to a divorce it will ruin our fam­ily and kids, and I will be just as respon­si­ble for a break up as he is and I am not the one who wants to leave, he is.

- I don’t want the sep­a­ra­tion, and if I agree it will make it easy for him to leave.

- I can­not lie and pre­tend. I am an hon­est person.

- Only peo­ple with­out their own opin­ion and of a weak char­ac­ter always go along with what­ever oth­ers want. I am not like that. No one tells me what to do.

- Please add your own….

What­ever rea­sons you may have for not agree­ing, it will make things even worse, and why agree­ing with your part­ner will not only pro­duce the results that you want, but also make you stronger, more respected and more desir­able to be with.

First, let me make one thing clear: you may be think­ing that you don’t want to ”play games,” that it is not hon­est to say what you do not mean, which it is basi­cally called lying. May I remind you: you have been play­ing games all along and you prob­a­bly were not even aware of it. Your game play­ing has brought your rela­tion­ship to this place. You may not agree with me about this, but if you look deep enough, you will see that your behav­ior was not always appro­pri­ate. Think about the times when you were mak­ing him wrong, dis­re­spect­ing him, push­ing and insist­ing, inval­i­dat­ing his efforts and try­ing to con­trol the sit­u­a­tion. Yes you were play­ing games, and unless you start play­ing a dif­fer­ent game noth­ing will change. You can stop play­ing games when your rela­tion­ship gets back on the right track again, or when you start a new rela­tion­ship. In the mean­time, you must change the rules of the game and give your part­ner a chance to react to the dif­fer­ent you. And, react he will.

Think about this: when you are con­fronted with a choice between being hon­est and being kind in any par­tic­u­lar sit­u­a­tion, which one would you choose most of the time? If you are an hon­est per­son you may choose to rather be hon­est. If you do, you may be opt­ing to spend the rest of your life alone. Being hon­est is in at least 80% of cases incon­sid­er­ate, dis­re­spect­ful, self­ish, self-centered, ego­cen­tric and such, thus alien­at­ing peo­ple left and right. Yes, some­times you must be hon­est. Com­mu­ni­cat­ing how you feel, or get­ting oth­ers to see the real­ity of the sit­u­a­tion is some­times not only ben­e­fi­cial but nec­es­sary, although not always pleas­ant or kind. But you can do that only with peo­ple with whom you are on the same page, who you agree with, who respect your opin­ion and who are ready and will­ing to lis­ten. Oth­er­wise, you may just as well be talk­ing to the walls.

On the other hand, kind­ness requires respect for other’s point of view. When­ever you dis­agree with some­one you make them WRONG. It makes no dif­fer­ence if you know you are right. Your part­ner thinks she is right too, thus the dis­agree­ment. No one likes to be made wrong and it cer­tainly does not lead to rec­on­cil­i­a­tion. If you’d rather be right than have your rela­tion­ship back then go ahead. But if you want to get your part­ner back, AGREE with her about EVERYTHING. And when I say agree, I do not mean to agree with him just because he would like you to. What I mean is that you trust that his idea, for exam­ple to break up, is a good one. Say so. See a bright side to it. Tell her that it would be a great oppor­tu­nity for both of you to see other peo­ple and date again. And don’t just say it, go out and do it. What kind of reac­tion do you think it may pro­duce? He will be fly­ing back to your arms as soon as he sees that oth­ers are inter­ested in you.  Think about what you would do in that sit­u­a­tion. He would do the same. We are all human. Well, it’s a game. If it’s worth play­ing, it’s worth play­ing well.

Only your best will be suf­fi­cient. :-)

By the way, I have never seen a women leave a man who always cheer­fully agrees with her (an vice versa). Keep that in mind.

Radomir

http://www.RelationshipSaver.org/

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May 11, 2011

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Comments (42)

Diana

May 11th, 2011 at 7:42 PM    


I think what you mean by “agree” is lis­ten to your partner’s per­spec­tive and see it as a valid view­point. This approach can help to open up a pro­duc­tive dis­cus­sion rather than lead to an argu­ment that can be poten­tially harm­ful to the rela­tion­ship. At least that’s how I under­stood your point!

Paul Martens

May 12th, 2011 at 9:37 AM    


Hi Radomir,

Inter­est­ing arti­cle. How­ever isn’t the prob­lem within an unhealthy rela­tion­ship a lack of love by both mem­bers? Con­stantly agree­ing with your spouse isn’t lov­ing them, it’s shut­ting off your brain. Con­stantly dis­agree­ing (which as you point out is dis­re­spect­ful) isn’t lov­ing either. There has to be a bal­ance no?

Best regards,

Paul

Petrovic N

May 12th, 2011 at 3:52 PM    


A friend of mine said once:“my mar­riage only works because I have all­ways the –LAST WORD– and it’s –YES DARLLING

Ruth

May 12th, 2011 at 9:02 PM    


Radomir…
I had to write… I bought your Rela­tion­ship Saver book … prob­a­bly out of a des­per­ate attempt to acknowl­edge that noth­ing I was doing was work­ing… at this point in time, I know that my rela­tion­ship is not healthy yet… but, it is dif­fer­ent… and I know that part of this “turn­around” is due to the advice in this book, and the fol­low on book you sent, The Game­less Rela­tion­ship. What I can say for sure is that you have helped me with a man I really love… and you’ve given me a chance to repair it… this hap­pened because (sorry, I am VERY ana­ly­i­cal) I fol­lowed your advice with­out ques­tion (very hard for me)…and it worked… it imme­di­ately relieved the ten­sion between us , and bet­ter… it made me aware of the neg­a­tive behav­iors I was demon­strat­ing… and how with all my good inten­tions I was actu­ally push­ing him away… I had this mis­guided sure­ness that I knew what was “best” for both of us…
Regard­less of this rela­tion­ship works out or not… you have helped me, and I declare that I will make this change in my life… true love and car­ing is so rare… and I think I finally know the key of mak­ing it work…
Thank you for help­ing me at a time when I most needed it….

ray

May 13th, 2011 at 12:47 AM    


hi radomir
i am try­ing to be accept­able with my wife. she said she wanted me to leave so i did and left her with the house chil­dren every­thing, and now live with my par­ents, i am try­ing to pay my bills i took with me that she cre­ated. i try to agree with her ‚if she needs me im there for her if she needs money i give it but then find she has been out spend­ing, she wants my garage clear­ing so that she can make a gar­den room and every-time she asks i try to accom­mo­date her.i don’t really have many friends and cant afford to go out to meet any­one (if im hon­est im prob­a­bly a bit scared of doing some­thing dif­fer­ent as i have only ever been with my wife from the age of 17 and im now 42) i see my chil­dren every Wednes­day teatime and have them every other week­end fri night to sun night she now wants me to have them for 2 week­ends and then she has them for 1 so that she can go and do her thing . i feel that she is liv­ing the same life she had before but with me in a cor­ner wait­ing for the next demand. do i keep agree­ing with her and help­ing her out.
thanks ray

Martin

May 13th, 2011 at 4:25 AM    


I have read this in a state of shock. Never have I heard such con­de­scend­ing dri­vel in all my life. If the rela­tion­ship has descended to a level that agree­ing with your other half is the only way to save it then you have lost the rela­tion­ship a long time ago. Why would you advise any­one who is fight­ing to keep the per­son they Love to let them go because when they see you with some­one else they will want you back again. I’m sorry but what age are you this is not the play­ground this is peo­ples lives that you are mess­ing with. All cou­ples play games of dif­fer­ent sorts these are devel­oped over the course of the rela­tion­ship and for the most part are good for the cou­ple. When they become dam­ag­ing to the cou­ple some­thing deeper has changed in the rela­tion­ship and then the game play­ing has to stop not up the pres­sure. My only hope is that peo­ple read this and think very hard about how silly it is and the dam­age that it could cause them if they fol­low your advice.

Radomir

May 13th, 2011 at 10:55 PM    


I agree that we should not do what I sug­gest. Unfor­tu­nately, how­ever child­ish this may be, it WORKS. Most peo­ple con­sider them­selves adults and yet act as five-year-olds. look at the quar­rels that peo­ple have. They are most of the time with­out any dig­nity, not to men­tion com­pas­sion and under­stand­ing. Emo­tions take over, fight or flight modus operandi pre­vails, lawyers get involved and the down­ward spi­ral can­not be stopped.

I’m not say­ing that one should agree to jump off of a tall build­ing, or let other take advan­tage of one. Agree­ment stops dis­agree­ment. (duh) Although it may not be intu­itive move to agree with your part­ner when dis­agree­ment is an order of the day, it changes the dynamic in a rela­tion­ship. I saw it work so many times that I lost count. Try it your­self although it may be a lot of “drivel”

Radomir

May 13th, 2011 at 10:57 PM    


Hi Ray, Please read my com­ment to the above post.

Radomir

May 13th, 2011 at 10:58 PM    


The plea­sure was mine Ruth.

Radomir

May 13th, 2011 at 11:07 PM    


Please read the ear­lier arti­cle about love and dis­tinc­tion between to love and being in love as well as the above com­ment on Diana’s post.

Radomir

May 13th, 2011 at 11:16 PM    


What I mean by agree is exactly that, agree enthu si as ti cally as if it is your idea. Remem ber this is sug gested only when you want to repair your rela tion ship. When every thing is going fine dis agree ment can be taken at the face value, but in times of break up every dis agree ment is taken per son ally. So avoid dis agree ment at all costs.

If he says, I’m leav ing, the best thing to do is say: “Great! You are right. It’s best for both of us. That will give us tome to see some other peo ple.” It’s the game, unfor tu nately, and emo tions are all over. Use them instead of being used by them.

Pat

May 14th, 2011 at 1:17 AM    


Con­stantly agree­ing with some­one who insists on hav­ing their way with­out mind­ing your feel­ings at all does not help you,nor your rela­tion­ship. It should be a give and take sit­u­a­tion or at the very least manip­u­late it in such a man­ner that they believe they are win­ning when in fact they are agree­ing to what they did not set out for in the first place.

Arthur

May 14th, 2011 at 3:52 AM    


agree—go along with—and find the right way together—it has worked for me & we are much closer & happier.

Many thanks

Elena

May 14th, 2011 at 1:11 PM    


Radomir,
I love your arti­cles.
I used some of your tech­nics in the past. It was inter­est­ing for me to see how rela­tion­ship can be improved but what if the per­son can­not make up his mind.

SONIA

May 16th, 2011 at 3:16 AM    


I have been agree­ing almost every­thing with my hus­band. I am an asian amd my hus­band is a ger­man. As usu­all all was rosy in the begin­ning but later every­thing I do was not right in his eyes. Than I found out that he is stray­ing and now he is attached to one woman.

I left my mat­ri­mo­nial home as he demanded. Finally I left the home silently with­out any mess. He stopped his com­mu­ni­ca­tion with me on phone and sms. He send­ing me emails request­ing me to ini­ti­ate the divorce proceedings.

How­ever I told him to ini­ti­ate as he wants it and I will fol­low up as he wishes. I also told him that I do not need any­thing from him as I do not wish to be one of those women he set­tles with money.

He told me that he has no grounds to ini­ti­ate the divorce pro­ceed­ings on me and have been push­ing me now. I have stopped com­mu­ni­cat­ing with him and remain cool and silent. I only keep pray­ing for him that he will be a god fear­ing per­son and resort to change his bad ways of life.

He has done the same to his first wife. He has con­vinced her to go for a divorce and than neglected and does not even sup­port her. His first wife did went along with him for the divorce but he still despise her.

All the while I have remained silent and never spo­ken any­thing against him. He com­ments about him­self to be a bad man but I always reas­sure him that he is a good man in my eyes and no mat­ter what i will con­tinue lov­ing him.

Than he asked how I can be good to him when he is not treat­ing me well. Yet he is ask­ing me for divorce and giv­ing me trou­ble to the extreme. I still uphold my silence and await­ing. Some­times peo­ple take advan­tage of your patience and tolerance.

How do you think this sit­u­a­tion I should han­dle this situation.

Matthew

May 16th, 2011 at 4:06 AM    


An odd yet iner­est­ing arti­cle. Per­haps i can agree that agree­ing will make the rela­tion­ship eas­ier and maybe last longer but will it be a happy rela­tion­ship? With­out both part­ners being com­plet­ley happy, is it really a “relationship”?.…

Rick

May 18th, 2011 at 4:55 PM    


How do you keep agree­ing, when it is an attack on you. ” Why are you doing this to our son? You should not let him believe this.” Hav­ing him want to come and live with you. I would like to have the win, win rela­tion­ship. It just how do you do this and still keep the kids out of being used as ammo?

Maria

May 19th, 2011 at 2:43 AM    


I had prob­lems with the advice to agree but even­tu­ally I under­stood it as val­i­dat­ing his posi­tion and realised that I didn’t do this enough. Even if I was lis­ten­ing to his point of view, I didn’t always show it. This advice has worked with friend­ships too where I realise I think I’m lis­ten­ing but am not always gen­er­ous enough to hear what they are saying.

The Rela­tion­ship saver helped me at a time when I was going out of my mind fol­low­ing an abrupt end to a very long-term rela­tion­ship. It helped me to stop the end­less obsess­ing and analy­sis which was leav­ing me exhausted and deeply depressed. How­ever, I do think it allowed me main­tain hope that I would get him back, even though he had left me for another woman and had no inten­tions of leav­ing her. Radomir does advise let­ting go, but by being cheer­ful and truly lis­ten­ing to him I ended up hear­ing plenty about his great new life, not so great for my trau­ma­tised self.

The book does give me great hope for future rela­tion­ships though, inti­mate and oth­er­wise so thanks.

Neil Ward

May 24th, 2011 at 7:38 AM    


This arti­cle just open’s a whole can of worms…

If you agree with ‘every­thing’ — your part­ner may take com­plete advan­tage of you, (like the story from Ray above.)

But at the same time, some­times it is eas­ier to just agree with some of the smaller things to save a dis­agree­ment. At the end of the day, will it cost you any­thing? No, if you drop your pride with your GF or wife, then it won’t bother you. Because what else is at stake other than pride if it is just some­thing ver­bal? My GF is always say­ing things that I don’t agree with, some­times I speak out and it causes issues, other times I just let it go because that’s who she is… it doesn’t bother me.

Radomir

May 24th, 2011 at 1:25 PM    


Agree­ing does not mean let­ting some­one take advan­tage of you. Agree­ing to give her all your sav­ings or jump­ing off of a tall build­ing is not a good idea. Any­way, why would you want to save a rela­tion­ship with the per­son who is tak­ing advan­tage of you?

Con­cern­ing the pride, it is most of the time a bat­tle about who is right and who is wrong. Can you swal­low your pride some­times and admit that you are wrong. No one can be so smart to be 100% wrong 100% of the times. Agree with the part that she is right and do not dis­agree with the rest.

Radomir

May 24th, 2011 at 1:45 PM    


Why do you want to be with some­one who is obvi­ously tak­ing advan­tage of you? Do you enjoy being a vic­tim. Yes, some­times is soooo sweet, because it make us right and makes them wrong.

Radomir

May 24th, 2011 at 1:49 PM    


Elena, men are strange ani­mals. Dif­fi­cul­ties in mak­ing up their mind about stay­ing with a women is one of their char­ac­ter­is­tics. Start dat­ing some­one else and I guar­an­tee he’ll make up his mind VERY quickly.

Radomir

May 24th, 2011 at 1:50 PM    


Plea­sure was mine.

Paul Rock

June 2nd, 2011 at 11:01 AM    


Nice Arti­cle, In Rela­tion­ship under­stand­ing is nec­es­sary with­out that rela­tion will not be successful.

Shanon

June 6th, 2011 at 3:35 PM    


I enjoy read­ing your arti­cles and books. I just feel like it is going to take me a long time to change my ways and fol­low the book exactly the way it says. With that, I totally under­stand the pur­pose of agree­ing, how­ever I am con­cerned that if I agree with one major thing, it will end my rela­tion­ship with my boyfriend, and I do not want to agree with this one thing, because I know it to not be “true”. I have tried to say to my boyfriend since I have pur­chased your books that I see his opin­ion on this mat­ter, but now he is voic­ing his opin­ion more and is talk­ing as if it is a Fact. How do I get around some­thing like this. If I would agree with him, I know for a fact that is not how i am feel­ing, although he doesn’t seem to really care what I feel or think about the subject.

The thing he keeps telling me in dif­fer­ent ways is that I am in love with some­one else. Which is so not true and he seems to voice this opin­ion in so many dif­fer­ent ways.

Can you help?

Alice

June 9th, 2011 at 11:53 AM    


In a last ditch effort to save my mar­riage I pur­chased your books. At first I thought they present ideas that agree with the Thomas Gor­don course I’d taken years ago, fea­tur­ing the tech­nique “active lis­ten­ing”… I’d actu­ally for­got­ten I’d taken that course, your text’s reminded me. With active lis­ten­ing, after let­ting the other per­son speak his/her mind, you fol­low up with a querry which read­resses your spouses griev­ances in your own words… basi­cally you reword the griev­ance, and fol­low up with , is that what you meant? You don’t have to give up your point of view, you just have to pack­age it care­fully. That course took sev­eral weeks prac­tice, and the group still meets 2x a year to keep the ideas fresh. I think Mr. Gor­don was Amer­i­can.… if this train­ing is pop­u­lar in Switzer­land… it must also be avail­abe in the eng­lish speak­ing world.

I think I lost my part­ner, because I actu­ally have a psy­cho­log­i­cal prob­lem… some­thing that I have tried to address in dif­fer­ent ways over the years, alas I have been unsuccesful.

carl Boley

June 17th, 2011 at 7:24 PM    


This really doesn’t work if you don’t try to do it right, but Radomir’s book has some very good points .You have to read it more than once.

Ayla

June 21st, 2011 at 4:27 AM    


Hi,
My sit­u­a­tion is a very tricky one as I am 33 weeks preg­nant (with our sec­ond child) and my hus­band left me at 12 weeks hav­ing tried for this baby with me for the pre­vi­ous five months. I hear rumours he has attached him­self to a younger ‘woman’ though he has told me they are just friends. His head is an absolute mess and he can’t seem to bear hav­ing our son for more than 24 hours every other week­end, when he used to be THE most dot­ing father. Many sus­pect he is hav­ing some kind of break­down and are very angry with his treat­ment of me, the fact that he is dis­con­nected with the baby and left me to go through it all alone. But upon tak­ing your advice, I have each time main­tained my dig­nity and showed him that my son and I are cop­ing fine on our own thank you very much and hav­ing lots of fun etc. This has seemed to work in the sense that he now has dis­tanced him­self fur­ther, leav­ing me to assume that he sees us doing well and being happy and pos­i­tive, and he can’t han­dle it.

How­ever, I do not know what steps to take in terms of the baby’s birth, my fam­ily want to have words with him and ensure he is there which of course he should be…but how does that fit into the whole “agree­ing with him” strat­egy?! And, obvi­ously in my sit­u­a­tion I can’t exactly go out and start dat­ing so what would you sug­gest from here please?!

Mikael

June 23rd, 2011 at 5:31 AM    


Hello Radomir
2,5 month ago our 25 year old mar­riage started to break down, i caught my wife hav­ing a short flirt with a man. My wife did break the rela­tion­shíp but won­dered why this had hap­pened and con­cluded that her feel­ing for me was not as strong as before and she was unsure if it could be repaired. But yes­ter­day I found a let­ter just two months before the break­down she wrote that she loved me more than ever and would always be mine. Then I thought of your state­ment that women often do no mean as much with opin­ions as men do.

I think we will stay together and it is much bea­cuse of your advice of agreeing.

You are like the man who can talk with dogs — you can talk with marriages,

Thank you, I read your stuff often and get so much out of it.

Michael

Radomir

September 15th, 2011 at 8:58 AM    


You can ask him, or rather request him to help you with your “sit­u­a­tion”. Men usu­ally like to help. It makes us feel use­ful, but if he refuses, not agree­ing is not going to make him change his mind. It’ll only make him more resent­ful. He obvi­ously needs to deal with his own prob­lems. You can­not do it for him. Instead of mak­ing him con­stantly wrong (although, in your mind he may be), try to turn to the future and find other solu­tions that will help your sit­u­a­tion with­out involv­ing him, instead of dwelling on how it “should” have been and how it “should” be now.

Radomir

September 19th, 2011 at 3:14 PM    


The moment you become defen­sive you are sort of affirm­ing that he is right. Do not get trig­gered by his opin­ions. He is free to think what­ever he wants. If he chooses to live in the la-la land of his beliefs, I do not think you can change his mind. Tell him that it is not true only if he asks you and do not argue about it.

alex

October 11th, 2011 at 6:20 AM    


my boyfriend fin­ished with me 3 months ago for the first time because he said the rela­tion­ship was a has­sle and i was para­noid, when we fin­ished i didnt talk to him for 3 days then i con­tacted him cry­ing and beg­ging for him back he called me obsessed and told me to leave him alone, then i begged him back for the whole 2 weeks then he came to my party the 3rd week of me and him not talk­ing much, we had a mas­sive argu­ment and then he went home but he also called me that night say­ing sorry and that he did love me, we met the next day and got back together he said he loved me and every­thing, then 3 months later a day a go he broke up with me again because i was also nag­ging him about the rela­tion­ship (stu­pid mis­take), i rang him yes­ter­day and asked if he meant what he said when he fin­ished with me he said yes he just dosen’t want it any more, i decided to say ok nor do i, i think you made a good deci­sion, then he said well im glad we both agree bye! and hung up, i don’t know what to do from here, and in 4 days i have a party and he will be going to it aswell how should i act to make him want me back, do you think he will con­tact me over time if i leave him alone with no con­tact?, i love him so much please help me,

Radomir

October 25th, 2011 at 5:55 PM    


Thank you Alex for your comment.

I hope you will under­stand, but due to your par­tic­u­lar sit­u­a­tion and pub­lic car­ac­ter of this blogI, am not able to appro­pri­ately answer your ques­tion. So, I sug­gest that you please first go to THIS SITE and read The Rela­tion­ship Saver. If after read­ing it you think you that you may need addi­tional con­sult­ing, advice, or coach­ing please go to:
http://relationshipsaver.com/coaching.html and I will be glad to assist you.

Again, I apol­o­gize for the inconvenience.

kimberly

February 12th, 2012 at 9:06 AM    


Dear Radomir,
I to am in the same sit­u­a­tion as Alex. My fiance’ broke off our engage­ment and at first I begged him to stay and that did not work. In des­per­ate search I found your book and fol­lowed your advice. My ex was glad that I agreed with him that our rela­tion­ship did not work and only seemed to encour­age him to con­tinue with the break up. He says he loves me and misses me but has been see­ing another woman as a dis­trac­tion for his feel­ings for me. I am at a loss… It seems like fol­low­ing your advice is only push­ing him away more. What can I do?

Radomir

February 12th, 2012 at 9:38 PM    


…he loves me and misses me but has been see­ing another woman as a dis­trac­tion for his feel­ings for me.”

Do you really believe it? I don’t know what that means. I think it’s a lot of B.S. Go out on a date with some­one else. If he stays cool and sup­port­ive, than it’s over. Oth­er­wise he may be run­ning back to you.

here

June 2nd, 2012 at 7:16 AM    


Is it fine to place part of this in my site if I sub­mit a ref­er­ence to this web page?

Louise

June 8th, 2012 at 10:03 PM    


I don’t dis­agree with my hus­band any more. I often have a dif­fer­ent persepec­tive, but it works like this:

He says some­thing about the kids, or the house etc. I will either feel good or feel bad about that. If I feel bad, I will tell him how I feel and often start by say­ing “I don’t want to oppose you.” Then I fol­low up with “I don’t feel very happy about that. I don’t want XYZ to hap­pen. I feel con­cerned. What do you think?”

That’s it and that’s how we get to sort out our dif­fer­ent points of view. I don’t tell him what to do any more — he can work it out and I at least get to really feel heard, which is all I want. More often than not, he’ll do all he can to make me happy.

The only excep­tion would be if he wanted *me* to do some­thing I con­sider to be immoral (not some­thing we often have to worry about)!

What do you think?

Radomir

June 30th, 2012 at 6:36 PM    


Excel­lent. I like it.

Radomir

June 30th, 2012 at 6:37 PM    


Yes, of course.

Nathaniel

May 7th, 2013 at 4:56 AM    


Radomir,
I have recently pur­chased your book the rela­tion­ship saver.i have read through your lit­er­a­ture many times. I am at total peace with myself on this sit­u­a­tion and I have fol­lowed your guid­ance and rules to the let­ter. My wife of 11 years is the insti­ga­tor to our sep­per­a­tion and only after read­ing your writ­ings I realise that I have not been emo­tion­ally there for HER. I have lis­tened to her poInt of view over the years but have never acknowl­edged or val­lued it. These are for rasons of my own inse­cu­ri­ties and I have totally changed my out­look on life. After see­ing her tonight so I could see the kids she has con­cerns That I have changed my out­look so quickly. We have agreed to do some dat­ing once a fort­night but I think that she is doing this for my benifit not OURS. I have told her that that I would like for us to get to know each other again. And spend some time together doing so. Unfor­tu­nately she thinks we shouldn’t spend to much time together. I have aggreed with her (this would not be con­sid­ered somthing I would do). It is only about 7 days in that I have ceased the argu­ments but I believe that she is push­ing fur­ther along with the sep­per­a­tion. I am cur­rently stay­ing with my sis­ter at the moment but I have advised her that I would like to come home. She is accept­ing of this and re raised it her­self tonight. I just dont want to croud her space and force it. I am being happy and cheer­ful which she has said that she has noticed. But its still not get­ting her to want to spend time with me. Its more that she is say­ing that she is happy for me to come home to spend time with the kids. Which she has been great about.
Any sug­ges­tions on how I should procede?

Radomir

August 8th, 2013 at 9:34 AM    


Leav­ing home and giv­ing her “space” may not be the best idea. Has she got some­one else? If she does not, is she plan­ning to? When woman wants her “space” it is more often than hot that she has a lover on the side. I would con­front her with it if I were you. Not as blam­ing her, but as you want a clear situation.

wm

September 2nd, 2014 at 9:36 PM    


The com­ment about choos­ing to be hon­est or choos­ing to be kind, reminds me of the com­ment I’ve heard before that states, “choos­ing your bat­tles”. I guess rela­tion­ships are its own crazy roller­coaster ride.

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