Who chose your partner?

Whether your rela­tion­ship is going well or not you can always think back to the out­set of the rela­tion­ship and, if you are able to look at those begin­nings with an open mind and objec­tively, you can always say, I told you so. Or at least your par­ents, rel­a­tives or friends could say it.

Our ini­tial rea­sons, feel­ings and intu­ition, or denial of the same are very telling about what our rela­tion­ship will look like in the future. No sur­prises here. If, say, when you first met your part­ner your intu­ition told you that he/she was not for you for any par­tic­u­lar rea­son or in gen­eral, and later you gave in to your feel­ings and rea­sons for not trust­ing your intu­ition, you may very well regret it at some point in the future. If you got into the rela­tion­ship with an agenda, when­ever your agenda gets ful­filled or is not per­ti­nent any more, the rela­tion­ship will most likely dis­solve. You may even be unaware of the real rea­son why you do not want to be in a rela­tion­ship any more, so you will look for some super­fi­cial imme­di­ate rea­son to end it, but if you go deep enough you will always find that orig­i­nal agenda being the real rea­son and cause for your “change of heart”.

Now imag­ine that your part­ner came into the rela­tion­ship with an agenda that he/she has never revealed to you. Often they may not even be clear about it them­selves, or they may be in denial about it. You may end up bewil­dered and con­fused as to what hap­pened. You will never get a straight answer from your part­ner for the rea­sons men­tioned above and you will have to set­tle for some other lame and unbe­liev­able excuse for the break-up. Either way, the real rea­son most of the time lies in the ini­tial rea­son for being in the rela­tion­ship in the first place.

So, who chose your part­ner? Were they your fears, long­ings, desires, inner child, inse­cu­ri­ties, low self-esteem, lone­li­ness, sex drive, you name it. These are just some of the rea­sons. Men and women usu­ally have very dif­fer­ent ones. That par­tic­u­lar dif­fer­ence makes it very dif­fi­cult for you to dis­cern what the real rea­sons are for your part­ner want­ing out.

But when all is said and done, the rea­sons for break­ing up most of the time are just that: rea­sons, plau­si­ble sto­ries, excuses and expla­na­tions. Orig­i­nal agen­das are rarely part of the break-up con­ver­sa­tion and tak­ing respon­si­bil­ity for it is not even on the radar screen. It is much eas­ier to blame the other for your lack of com­mit­ment, respon­si­bil­ity, integrity and gen­uine love.

Aware­ness exer­cise: Being hon­est with your­self is very demand­ing, often uncom­fort­able, some­times even impos­si­ble, but nev­er­the­less, it is an essen­tial prac­tice for being in touch with real­ity and your growth and devel­op­ment. This exer­cise has two parts: a) no mat­ter how resis­tant and uncom­fort­able it may be, admit to your­self the real rea­sons you got into the rela­tion­ship in the first place, and b) remem­ber what your ini­tial reac­tion was when you met your future part­ner for the first time. What con­clu­sions can you draw from these mem­o­ries? Cau­tion: This is nei­ther the place nor the time to blame any­one, includ­ing your­self. Just notice what insights you come up with. You may even share them with your part­ner if you think it appropriate.

Please share those insights  with us.




Comments (6)

Ivan Pesic

May 11th, 2010 at 10:46 AM    

I got into a rela­tion­ship with my wife for of all the rea­sons you quoted (my fears, long­ings, desires, inner child, inse­cu­ri­ties, low self-esteem, lone­li­ness, sex drive) but also because I some­how felt that the woman I met was an extra­or­di­nary per­son. The rela­tion­ship I had with that per­son was really stormy — bliss­ful at times, and occa­sion­ally pure hell. In order to sus­tain it with­out going totally nuts I even­tu­ally had to con­front all of the above (my fears, long­ings, etc.) which took quite some time, and is an ongo­ing process. When I look at it today, I choose that per­son (and she choose me) because we both had to learn some lessons in order to be at peace between our­selves and with ourselves.

As Yogi Bha­jan says: “How can you be bored in mar­riage? You have to work on it every minute of the day.”


May 11th, 2010 at 10:59 AM    

Yes, Ivan, “choice” seems to be the key word here. Our part­ners are our mir­rors and I believe that we chose them so that we can learn some­thing about our­selves. Get­ting out of the rela­tion­ship for no good rea­son (i.e. abuse would be a good rea­son) can often be a lost oppor­tu­nity to grow. You obvi­ously have made big strides in that direc­tion. Congratulations!


May 12th, 2010 at 6:49 PM    


I think that a lot of times, peo­ple are just ful­fill­ing the early imprint of myths of imma­ture infat­u­a­tion, like the hero and the princess, and they don’t real­ize it until they become aware of how truly unsat­is­fy­ing it is.

The book “Iron John” by the poet Robert Bly cov­ers this topic very sen­si­tively, to me.

What FEELS like “home” to us calls us toward it, for bet­ter and worse…

That’s why peo­ple from abu­sive homes always seem to have tem­pes­tu­ous rela­tion­ships; they keep choos­ing it, over and over again, because that’s the clos­est thing to love that they can receive… (which is also why “nice guys” don’t get laid as much as “bad boys”)

The uncon­scious urges are SO much more pow­er­ful than the con­scious choices. That’s one rea­son why shadow work and inte­gra­tion of con­scious and uncon­scious are such VITAL issues; we want to con­trol each other, and we can’t even con­trol ourselves.


June 4th, 2010 at 5:25 PM    

I so appre­ci­ate these ques­tions! While I’ve been steeped in ‘per­sonal growth’ and work­ing on a rela­tion­ship for some time now, I’ve never looked at these ques­tions in this way before. Your mate­r­ial chal­lenges me to get hon­est with­out judg­ing, so that I can get to the heart of my too-tender heart. I see that there is more work to do in myself and with my rela­tion­ship! I’ve down­loaded your Rela­tion­ship Saver and have to say that know­ing some­thing isn’t the same as prac­tic­ing it! Still a work in progress…


June 4th, 2010 at 9:37 PM    

Work­ing on your­self is always work in progress. Unfor­tu­nately, no one has ever man­aged to fin­ish it. So, give up all hope oh, you mor­tals! And, have a great time doing it it.


July 27th, 2013 at 10:42 PM    

Lol@ Radomir. Hon­estly, your write ups are such eye open­ers. I will not be able to say exactly why I choose my hubby : one of the rea­son why I am hav­ing chal­lenge now. Okay I think it’s out of Soci­ety expec­ta­tions. Got mar­ried at 29 as a woman, in my part if the world is actu­ally get­ting late. Mean­while, he knows why he choose me , to com­pli­ment his sta­tus. A career woman with good job and good pay.

Now, the econ­omy is not so good and we have finan­cial stress because I lost my job. Have been try­ing to get another one but this is not funny to his plan and agenda. I am per­ceive as lazy and a deceiver because I appear to be at peace with the sit­u­a­tion and hop­ing things will get bet­ter with­out going crazy. Dif­fer­ent agenda is a real storm in mar­riage. What can one do?

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